I wanna give you the world

"But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope. She will give herself to me there, as she did long ago when she was young, when I freed her from captivity in Egypt. When that day comes," says the Lord, "you will call me 'my husband' instead of 'my master.' . . . . I will make you my wife forever, showing you righteousness and justice, unfailing love and compassion. I will be faithful to you and make you mine, and you will finally know me as the Lord." - Hosea 2: 6-8, 13b-16, 19-20

 

Do you ever feel like you're stuck in the desert? Dry. Angry. Irritated. Worn out. I've felt that way for the past week. Physically exhausted. An emotional wreck. A mess. Then I went to West Virginia. Here I've been cut off from technology. Stuck in a signal-less "wilderness" with only my feelings. When I got two hours by myself, I started searching God's word. I was in James, then I was in Proverbs, and then I ended up in Hosea. What a journey that was.

 

In James 4:1-10, I wanted to figure out what causes fights and conflicts. According to verse 1, it's my pleasures and evil desires--what I want. The other verses reminded me of things I knew but had forgotten, but then I got to James 4:9. It says, "Let there be tears for what you have done. Let there be sorrow and deep grief. Let there be sadness instead of laughter, and gloom instead of joy." James is talking about my reaction to my sin.

 

Then I started to think about what is an abomination to God. What does God hate? What can't He stand? In Proverbs 6, it says he can't stand haughty eyes, a lying tongue, hands shedding innocent blood, a heart devising wicked plans, feet running to evil, false witness, and the spreading of strife. Unfortunately, as I read that I realized I had been struggling with several of these this past week.

 

I got to Hosea chapter 2 and I began to understand. I had forgotten God. I'd left Him in the dust. I'd moved on in my life without Him. He did exactly what He said He was going to do in Hosea 2. He exposed my evil to my lovers. He brought me into the wilderness (my wilderness was West Virginia) and spoke kindly to me through a song that is designed to be sung as a love song from a husband to his wife. And I was broken.

Hosea chapter 2 communicates how deeply God loves me. And I can't believe that I can act the way I do and leave Him behind.

If there is one thing I've learned from this trip to the "wilderness" it's that God loves me immensely. And I can have a relationship with Him that is beyond the superficial churchgoer. This relationship is supposed to be like a relationship with a lover. And that's how God desires me. I want to come to know God in a way that I desire Him that way too.

Please pray for me, my friends. I know God can do a great work, but I need to turn from my pride and selfishness and start to really seek after Him.

When you feel like a failure...

This song is a great reminder of these truths...

 

I started reading the book of John this morning. I was searching for who Jesus is in the descriptions of Him as God incarnate and I started a list:

• He has always been with God.
• He made all things come into being.
• He is full of life.
• He shines through darkness.
• The world didn't know Him.
• The world didn't receive Him.
• He gave the right to become children of God to those who did receive Him.
• He became flesh and lived among us.
• He was full of GRACE and TRUTH.
• He takes away our sin.
• There was no deceit in Him.
• He zealously defended God's house.
• He knows what is in our hearts.
• He came to save, not to judge (John 3:17).
• He was full of the Spirit.
• He can give eternal life.
• He is powerful.
• He only did what the Father did.
• He gives life.
• He does everything in accordance with the Father's will.
• He knows all things. 

The first thing that stuck out to me as I read was that God knows everything about us (John 2:25). He knows the good and He knows the bad. He knows it, first, because He is God and God knows everything, and He knows it because He lived as one of us! He was God, but He was also man. He experienced things just as we do.

Even though He knows the evil that lives inside of us, ". . . God so loved the world, that He gave His only begotten Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish, but have eternal life." God sent His Son, Jesus, not to judge and condemn us, but to save us (John 3:16-17).

 

This got me thinking... God sent Jesus to save us so that we might have eternal life and if we believe in Him, we have it. It's as simple as that... and yet we strive and strive to do things the right way because God will look on us with favor. In John 5:29-30 it says, "You search the Scriptures because you think that in them you have eternal life; it is these that testify about Me; and you are unwilling to come to Me so that you may have life." These verses are saying that we are caught up in the wrong things! In my life, I don't pray very often because I don't want to pray until I know I'm doing it right. I also don't like to have devotions because I feel like I have to get my schedule under control before I can have proper devotions. This verse challenged me that there is no "right" way. We are fallen creatures and are lost without Jesus. When He came to die on the cross, He took care of all of my "rightness complex." Jesus knew everything about me, came to save me, and wiped my slate clean! I can come to Him in prayer even if it may not be the best. I can do devotions today because He only wants me to come to Him.

 

One of the last verses I read had a profound impact on me: "So Jesus said to them, 'My time is not yet here, but your time is always opportune.'" (John 7:6). This is almost like a warning, but more of an encouragement. Jesus knew there was still time for people to come to Him. It applied then and it applied now. While we are living on this earth, we STILL have time to come to Him. Whether that means we come to Him for the first time and seek a relationship with Him, or whether we come to Him after time and time again of feeling like a failure. Our time to come to Jesus is always opportune.

Will you heed this encouragement? Take the time today to come to Jesus... it'll be the best choice you ever make!

Marriage: A picture of the Christian life

I just got married on Saturday. In the final weeks of preparation and on the week of my honeymoon, I have been hit again and again by the parallels and connections of marriage to my relationship with God.

The proposal

 

This is when the guy saves his money, buys an expensive ring, plans a special day, and "pops the question." He asks, "Will you marry me?" Jesus did this when He came to earth and died for us. He gave up His throne in heaven, came down to earth as a human being, and gave His life to make a way for me to spend eternity with Him. When He came to earth, Jesus asked, "Will you marry me?"

 



I said "Yes!"

 

This happens right after the proposal; the girl, filled with excitement, happily says "Yes!" This yes sets everything else in motion. The guy is on his knee waiting, but he cannot act until she responds. In my Christian life, this happened when I was eleven. I finally became aware of Jesus being there waiting, asking me to trust Him. All I had to was say yes.

 

Wedding planning

 

This is the time after the proposal. It may be months, it may be years. The bride becomes consumed by wedding details. There's the dress, the flowers, the cake, the caterer, the decorations, the music, and on and on. The bride spends as much time as she can to prepare for the wedding day so that it can be perfect. As I was planning my wedding, I started to think that our earthly life is a lot like planning for a wedding! There is growing, there are relationships, there is joy, and there is pain. In this earthly life, I am preparing myself to be ready for my groom, Jesus Christ.

 

The ceremony

 

This is where all of the wedding plan comes to a head. The day is finally here. All of your plans fit together and you get to enjoy it. You present yourself to your groom in a white dress. You vow yourself to him, promising to be true to him. I've started to think of the ceremony as my transition from earth to heaven. On earth, I am spending my time preparing myself to be ready for heaven. When the time comes for me to go to heaven, I will get to see my preparation come to a conclusion as I am joined with my heavenly love.

 



The reception

 

This is where you get to celebrate your marriage with friends and family who have spent time helping you prepare, awaiting the day you would be joined with your husband. In the Christian life, I think this is the marriage feast in heaven. The church, Christ's bride, will finally be joined with Him, and we will celebrate at the marriage feast.



The honeymoon

 

This is the time after the wedding is over. You and your husband dedicate a length of time (typically a week) to spend with each other, getting to know each other more intimately. It is a time of joy. In the Christian life, I feel very strongly that heaven will be like a honeymoon. In heaven, we will spend eternity being intimately connected with God. We will have all the time in the world to get to know Him and to have a relationship with Him.

 

In John 17:3, Jesus prayed, "This is eternal life, that they may know You, the only true God, and Jesus Christ whom You have sent." Jesus understood that eternal life meant having a relationship with God. Although I can't comprehend it all, I am so excited that God has started revealing things about Him to me. I'm looking forward to how much more I can learn about God through my marriage.

Why trials?

I'd encourage you to listen to this song while you read: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=67NOWLH-Nc4

". . . do you not find in your walk with Jesus Christ that when things go well there seems to be a time of spiritual plateau, but when problems come you are more likely to increase your faith?"

I started reading a book called Becoming friend with God and it hit me when I read this that God allows problems in our life only because He loves us. He knows that we need to have faith in order to experience eternal life with Him. Oft
en times we think we can do it on our own when things are going good. We tend to forget God and just live life in our happy little bubble. But when trials come we tend to focus on God and rely on Him to get us through. When trials come we often have more faith because we are looking to God for strength.

This encouraged me because it made me remember that God allows these trials because He knows its the best way to strengthen our faith in Him. His desire is for us to share in eternal life with Him. I've sometimes wondered why God even makes us go through things on earth if the ultimate goal is heaven... but I think this is why--we have a choice. We have to choose God. When things are going well we may not always choose God and so He allows trials to come into our lives because it drives us closer to Him. He doesn't allow trials in our lives because we did something wrong and He wants us to be punished for it... God allows these difficult things in our lives because He loves us, wants us to be with Him forever, and this is how He sees best to make "all things work together for good" (Romans 8:28).

After reading this, I was encouraged and reminded to have faith. God loves me and I WILL make it through. There will be an end to these troubles but until that day comes, I can PRAISE God because He is trying to draw me closer to Him!

Advent: Hope

"At its heart, the concept is simple--Jesus trusted His Father. He didn't doubt God's goodness, His control of the situation, or the fact that His plan would lead to everlasting glory. That's what Jesus is asking you to do too. Trust God, even in this." -- The Healer

 

Advent season begins with the "hope" candle. Before Christ was born, the people looked forward (hoped) to that event. They were waiting for a coming Messiah. They were waiting for deliverance. Ultimately, Christ's coming as a baby brought everlasting hope, peace, joy, and love because His coming signified the fulfillment of a long awaited promise.

 

"Now there was a man in Jerusalem called Simeon, who was righteous and devout. He was waiting for the consolation of Israel, and the Holy Spirit was on him. It had been revealed to him by the Holy Spirit that he would not die before he had seen the Lord’s Messiah. Moved by the Spirit, he went into the temple courts. When the parents brought in the child Jesus to do for him what the custom of the Law required, Simeon took him in his arms and praised God, saying: “Sovereign Lord, as you have promised, you may now dismiss your servant in peace. For my eyes have seen your salvation, which you have prepared in the sight of all nations: a light for revelation to the Gentiles, and the glory of your people Israel.” -- Luke 2: 25-32


Simeon hoped for the coming Messiah. Once he witnessed what he was promised, he was at peace. Lately, I have experienced a lack of peace in my life. When Thanksgiving Break, I was trying to figure out a new way to embrace peace and hope. I came to the realization that even though I don't understand everything--even though I don't understand most things--I have hope because I know the truth about God. In 2 Corinthians 3:12 it says, "Since we have such a hope, we are very bold" (ESV). The hope I have in God should be my strength each day. I should be bold in living life because I have a hope in God.

I found this prayer connected the first advent candle and I liked it: “Lord, the light I choose to let into my life today is based on my trust in you.  It is a weak flame, but I so much desire that it dispel a bit more darkness today.  Today, I just want to taste the longing I have for you as I go to the meeting this morning, carry out the responsibilities of my work, face the frustration of some difficult relationships.  Let this candle be my reminder today of my hope in your coming.” Christ's coming signified the ultimate defeat of sin and darkness. Whatever I face that may try to steal my hope has no power because Christ came to give the world eternal hope!

Coping

"If I gave up, he would win."

 

Every day feels like a constant battle. One moment, things are going great and I'm feeling positive and happy, and the next minute I am derailed by a dark and empty apartment. I have gotten frustrated by the constant battle and have wanted to stop trying to get away from it and just let it consume me. I've been reading a book by Dee Henderson called Danger in the Shadows. It's about a rescued kidnapping victim who is still being stalked by her kidnapper. She deals with heavy security, intense fear, and frequent panic attacks. In the most recent chapter, she had an interesting conversation with a friend.

 

". . . How do you deal with this? What gets you back to work on the same day a crisis hits? I saw it the first day we met, and I'm seeing it again today."

 

There was an entire part to Sara that he didn't comprehend. If the trauma of last night didn't knock her down, what if anything ever would?

 

"Adam, I've got great coping skills. Don't mistake that for strength. I deal with the situation because I have no choice. Keeping moving is part of coping. If I let any one crisis stop me, I doubt I would ever move again, they happen so frequently. I have a lifetime of them behind me. . . . Adam, God never gives more than I can handle. . . . I'm really good at praying, 'God, keep me safe.'"

 

It drew an answering smile from him. Adam turned his hand over to grasp hers. "I don't understand why you should have to live like this. It makes no sense that this would be part of God's plan."

 

She took another drink of the hot tea he had brought her. "Dave likes to quote that Scripture from Romans 11 that says: 'How unsearchable are [God's] judgments and how inscrutable his ways!' I don't know when this will end. Honestly, I wonder sometimes if it will be old age. He'll get old and die and the threat will be gone. I may get twenty years of freedom at the end of my life. That's what I hold on to, Adam. A dream of someday being free. . . . didn't you once tell me your dad taught you to play football one down at a time? To focus on the moment?"

 

"Yes."

 

"That's how I have to live my life. One day at a time. I can cope, as long as I never let the big picture overwhelm me."

 

Adam smiled. One play at a time. He had spent a career focusing with that single-minded intensity. If that was what it took to live life while under siege, it could be done. He squeezed her hand. "Thanks, Sara."

 

"For what?"

 

"Not giving up."

 

. . . she quietly said, "Adam, if I gave up, I would lose what I do have. Ellen's upcoming wedding. Finishing this children's book. Going out to dinner with you. If I gave up, he would win" (pp. 210-212).

 

Too many times I let the big picture overwhelm me. I am focused on something in the future that I can't understand yet, and so I lose what I have now. I lose the moment. Part of coping--part of living life--is just doing what you need to do to get through.

 

As a child, I dealt with intense anxiety. I constantly told myself what Scripture says in Matthew 6:25-34, “Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they? Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life? And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin. Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these. If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith? So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them. But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."

 

Years later, I still need to remind myself of that truth. I don't need to let the big picture overwhelm me. I'm worried about my future and about heaven, but that is only sucking the joy out of my life today. God knows it all. God cares for me; He's got it under control. God Himself commands me in Scripture NOT to worry about tomorrow, but to focus only on today! If I choose to give up and not push through, my enemy would win.

 

Wow!

 

I am in awe, yet again. My Father knows me so well that He could reveal such a powerful truth to me through a fictional story written in 1999.  What a mighty God we serve!

 

So here's to living life. Here's to pushing through. Here's to coping.



Questioning God

"'O Sovereign LORD, what good are all your blessings when I don't even have a son?'" - Genesis 15:2a

 

Have you ever questioned God?

 

Lately, that's what I've been doing. Today, due to the advice of a professor, I began reading through Genesis with the intent of seeing it as what it is--a narrative. What I learned from this exercise is incredibly challenging and so very much like my God.

 

Abraham's story begins in Genesis 12. And what an interesting story it is. In chapter 12, God calls Abram out of his land and promises to make Abram a great nation. However, at the first sign of trouble, Abram gets scared. He lies to Pharaoh and says that his wife, Sarai, is actually his sister. In chapter 13, Abram and his nephew Lot decide to part ways due to conflict between their herdsmen. After they part, God reaffirms His promise to make Abram a great nation. Uncle Abram comes to Lot's rescue in chapter 14 and then, in chapter 15:1, God tells Abram "Do not be afraid, Abram, for I will protect you, and your reward will be great." Abram's response surprised me. In 15:2, Abram said to God, "O Sovereign LORD, what good are all your blessings when I don't even have a son?"

 

Wait. What was that?

 

Abraham--the father of nations, the man remembered in Hebrews for his great faith--questioned God's goodness. He had received a promise from God and that promise was affirmed two more times. But Abram wasn't seeing anything happen. As far as he understood, in order to be a great nation, he had to have an heir. Abram was painfully aware of the fact that he did NOT have an heir. He couldn't see how God's promise could ever come to fruition. God's response amazed me and put a smile on my face.

 

In 15:5 it says that "the Lord took Abram outside and said to him, 'Look up into the sky and count the stars if you can. That's how many descendants you will have!'" God heard Abram's doubts and fears and, in response, He lovingly affirmed the truth. I picture God in such a real way here, putting His arm around Abram and leading Him outside, stretching out His hand to show Abram the wonder of His promise.

What happened next was even more amazing to me.

 

In 15:6 it says "Abram believed the LORD, and the LORD counted him as righteous because of his faith." Did you catch that? Abram questioned God's goodness 4 verses ago, God comforted him and told him what was true, and then Abram BELIEVED God. Even though he was questioning God's goodness, Abram believed what God told Him was true. This made me realize something.

 

Although I am questioning God's goodness right now, although I don't understand a lot of things right now, I know what God says in His Word is true. So although it doesn't FEEL like it is true right now, I can believe God ANYWAY.

 

God has lovingly put His arm around me, smiled, and said, "Korrin... my plan is so much greater than what you can see right now. Just know that what I say is true and will be realized sometime in the future. Trust me."

 

This is so much easier said than done, but I am so blessed to have an amazing God who accepts my questioning and loves and comforts me through it. I may not feel like everything He is doing right now is good, but I can believe that it is anyway because of what He says in His word. What an amazing God He is!

 

 

You are making me new

Before you read through this, click this link and play this song while you read. This is what I have been listening to all day and it speaks to my heart so much.

"God's love is his holy disposition toward all that he has created that compels him to express unconditional affection and selective correction to provide the highest quality of existence, both now and forever, for the object of his love." - Chip Ingram

Lately, living life has been a struggle. I've felt constantly attacked since the beginning of the semester. I've been nervous. I've been depressed. I've been so afraid that I had to drop everything in the middle of the school week and go home just to get myself back together. I've asked so many questions during this time. Why is God letting this happen to me? I feel like I have called out to Him, sought Him, and relied on Him during this time, yet I didn't feel like I was getting any relief. Daily life has become a struggle. I have to fight so hard to keep my heart happy.

 

Today, I got fed up. I started talking to God, sharing my frustrations. I told Him what I knew to be true of Him and what I was feeling and how I didn't know how to decipher between the two. My feelings were not following my knowledge--why?? I pulled a book off of my bookshelf that my Mom gave me a few weeks ago when I was struggling with my perception of God. It's called God: As He Longs For You To See Him, by: Chip Ingram. This chapter opened my eyes to one of the reasons for my struggle: I don't believe that God loves me. I know, it but I don't believe it.

 

As I kept reading through the book, I started to cry. The truths in this chapter touched my heart and I felt peace. I felt like I had some kind of understanding about my struggles. The struggles have not been in vain... they are not in vain. God is not some monster up in the sky who is just tormenting me and playing games with my mind. God LOVES me. Chip Ingram made five points that I want to share here:

1) God's thoughts, intentions, desires, and plans are ALWAYS for my good and NEVER for my harm.

2) God is kind, open, approachable, frank, and EAGER to be my friend.

3) God emotionally identifies with my pain, joy, hopes, and dreams, and has chosen to allow MY happiness to affect His own.

4) He takes pleasure in me just for I am COMPLETELY apart from my performance and/or accomplishments.

5) God is actively and creatively orchestrating people, circumstances, and events to express his AFFECTION and selective correction to provide for my HIGHEST good.

 

These five points revealed something to me.

 

 

 
I am a part of the children's ministry I lead because God LOVES me and He knows how much joy they bring me. He knows how much I love them and how much I long to see their lives impacted by His truth and His love. God knows how much I would learn from them and how much I would grow by being able to serve them for 5 semesters. God put this ministry and these kids in my life because He loves me.

I have these three ladies as my close friends because God loves me. He knew how much they would demonstrate His love and care for me through our Bible studies and just being able to have those people that I can text, Facebook, or call whenever I need ANYTHING. God put these people in my life because He loves me and He knew how much I would need them during this time.

God put this guy in my life because He loves me. God knew how much he would teach me about the love of God. He knew how much he would teach me about sacrifice, love, forgiveness, and grace. God knew how much this guy would be my rock during these times of emotional distress. God put this guy in my life because he shows me God's unchanging, ever-present love. God put this guy in my life because He loves me. God put his family in my life to teach me about love, to help me become a better person, and to learn about who God is!


God gave me this group of people in my life because He loves me. He knew how much I would learn from the two people He made my parents and how much their advice, emotional and spiritual support, and love would demonstrate God's love to me. God gave me my siblings because He knew how much having them in my life would teach me about how God feels about each of us. I love them with a passion. I want to protect them with everything that is in me and I want them to be happy. So, so happy. I hurt when they hurt and I stand up for them when people are coming against them. God gave me these people because He loves me.

God put each of these ladies in my life because He loves me. He knew how much one would teach me about love and understanding. And how another would teach me about thoughtfulness. And how another would teach me about going the extra mile. And how another would teach me about always having someone to come back to. God gave me each of these people because He loves me. God put the girls at my church in my life because He knew how much they would teach me about compassion and love!

God put photography in my life because He knew how much joy it would bring to me. He knew how much fun I would have painting with light, and creating images that people will cherish all of their lives because they are photos of the people they love. He knew how much photography brings joy to my life because it preserves memories--good memories. God gave me photography because He loves me.

And I tried and tried to upload a picture of OCU friends, but there was a connection issue, so I couldn't. But anyway... God gave me my time, friends, bosses, and coworkers at OCU because He knew how much I would GROW from them. He knew how much I would NEED them. He knew how much JOY they would bring me.

God has blessed me so much. And I am starting to understand that He loves me. I still have a long way to go, but He is making me new.

I need your help

This post will be very similar to a previous post. The text for that post was none of my words. It was words from songs and Scripture that spoke what was in my heart. I'm back to that point again. Only this time it seems worse. This time I am mad at God. I am bitter. I resent Him. And yet I can't turn from Him because I know in my heart that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. And so I feel trapped. I feel trapped and forced into a relationship with this God who I've been told loves us and does only good and what's best for us... I feel like God is playing this big trick on me because I feel like everything I enjoy in this life and everything that I thought gave me purpose is going to be ripped away. I don't trust Him. And it makes me so upset. Because I want to. I know I did at one point in my life. I think I did four days ago even. I was so blindsided by this change in my thinking. I don't know how to handle it. I feel like I'm being attacked and I feel like I have no weapons to fight with. I feel helpless. I feel kind of hopeless. I'm struggling finding joy in life. I feel heartbroken because I can't believe the things I'm thinking about a God I once claimed so strongly and did everything I could to defend and understand.

In my head I know that God can handle these doubts. He's not intimidated by my questioning and by my frustration. Yet I feel like if I don't figure this out soon in my head He will abandon me. I feel like He will think I don't really want this. I feel like He will throw in the towel on me. I know the words to all the songs and I know the main points in the Scriptures that combat all these thoughts, but I'm realizing I don't believe them in my heart. I know them and can spout them off to anyone. I can prove that I'm a Christian by my head knowledge, but when it comes to actually connecting with God, feeling joy just being in His presence, and looking forward to an eternity in heaven with Him... I am nowhere near there.

I feel like I can't solve the problem on my own because I can't even read the Bible. I'm so frustrated when I do because I am feeling so negatively toward God. We have revival services at school this week. I told God that I was coming to revival expecting something. I told Him that I expected teaching that would make my thoughts do a 180. I told Him I expected to get it today. I told Him I expected to get it now. The speaker did give me some thoughts that seemed to fit right in with where I am at; however, my thoughts haven't turned around yet. I am going back to revival services tomorrow and Thursday expecting big things from God. I'm expecting Him to show me plain as day how to change my thinking or to do it Himself by zapping me!

I beg you for your prayers. I need people fighting for me. I don't want this in my life. But I feel helpless to rid myself of it. Please pray without fear. Pray with confidence. Pray for deliverance. Pray for a 180 in my thoughts. Pray for a new understanding of God and a new devotion and commitment to Him. Pray for change. And pray for it now.

Break Me Down

Pride: The state of holding yourself in high esteem. Lately, I've been convicted about pride in my heart. It is strong. I found a few quotes that describe what my pride looks like.

"Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.” - Jane Austen

I have a high opinion of myself and the things I do; I want everyone around me to think highly of me too.

“As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.” - C.S. Lewis

I'm very critical. I'm always picking out the bad things about other people to show how I am superior.

“Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man... It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition is gone, pride is gone.” - C.S. Lewis

I do get a sense of pleasure of being "better" than other people. I think to myself "I don't do that... I would NEVER do that... I'm better than this person because I do this..." It makes me feel good about myself.

“The proud wish God would agree with them. They are not interested in changing their opinions to agree with God's.” - Ezra Taft Benson

I have a hard time changing myself because I can't imagine my ideas being wrong. I think that what I'm doing is just fine and God must think so too.

Then I started reading through Isaiah and found verses that seemed to point out my pride again and again.

"They furnish wine and lovely music at their grand parties--lyre and harp, tambourine and flute--but they never think about the LORD or notice what he is doing" (Isaiah 5:12, NLT).

I live my life like this. I visit with my friends, I go shopping, I watch movies, I play the piano--I do most of my daily activities without thinking about God or His plan.

"What sorrow for those who are wise in their own eyes and think themselves so clever" (Isaiah 5:21, NLT).

Shame on me for even thinking I know things or have something that no one else does. Shame on me for thinking myself to be better or more talented than others.

"Don't call everything a conspiracy, like they do, and don't live in dread of what frightens them. Make the LORD of Heaven's Armies holy in your life. He is the one you should fear. He is the one who should make you tremble" (Isaiah 8:12-13, NLT).

I value what the world values more than what God values. I think the way the world thinks and not the way God thinks.

"He will delight in obeying the LORD, He will not judge by appearance nor make a decision based on hearsay. He will give justice to the poor and make fair decisions for the exploited. The earth will shake at the force of his word, and one breath from his mouth will destroy the wicked" (Isaiah 11:3-4, NLT).

These verses are prophesying about Jesus, but it gave me a pretty clear description of what a person without pride would look like. 1) Delighting in obeying God, 2) Not judging based on looks, 3) Not making a decision based on what someone not directly connected with a situation may say, 4) Treat the poor with justice, and 5) Be fair to those who are mistreated.

"See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The LORD God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory" (Isaiah 12:2, NLT).

I am overwhelmed by pride. I feel like changing my heart will be so difficult and so painful. But God can give me victory!

"Before you can be delivered from pride and be a humble child of God, you must face this inner conviction that you believe that you are superior to others and you must come to an absolute certainty that there is no merit or goodness in you of yourself. Only inasmuch as God is present within you are you good, and then it is not your goodness, but His (James 1:17)." - Timeless Truths

To rid myself of pride, a starting point would be to follow these steps: 1) Face the fact that I AM filled with pride, 2) Realize that I think I'm better than everyone else around me, 3) Understand that I am completely void of goodness, 4) Realize that my heart is deceitful, wicked, and sick, 5) Hold on to the truth that I was born with a sin nature and am still plagued by it and, because of that nature, I can do NOTHING good on my own.

"Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow" (James 1:17, NLT).

Kindred Spirits

"A kindred spirit is much more than just a friend. A kindred spirit, is someone who understands unconditionally, without even trying. Someone who becomes a part of your life without even trying, whether you like it or not, because somehow or the other, she just knows what you're thinking. That someone will not only tolerate your incessant ramblings but will manage to acquire the underlying sense behind it. That someone gives you far more than love or friendship - that someone 'gets' you, which is much harder to find than love/friendship."

*disclaimer* I don't want to offend anyone!! I realized tonight that I am missing something in my life. I don't have that kindred spirit or that bosom friend. Yeah, sure, I have a fiance and I'm not putting that down... but I am missing that girl friend that connects with me on a level that my guy can't. I don't want this to sound whiny... but it just hit me tonight that it's what I've been missing. Sure I have lots of surface friends, or friends who I do certain things with, but I don't have that one that really gets every part of me... that one who I can be my true self with. I feel like I have to put up this fake front with everyone else. People have this expectation or idea of what I should be... and I try to live up to it. The result of this has been that I don't feel connected to anyone.

This post feels so drab and lame... but it's what is on my heart.

Inside Me

Something inside me says you can’t do this

Something inside me says you’re worthless

Something inside me says you’re stupid

Something inside me says I can’t believe what you did

Something inside me says you’ll never measure up

Something inside me says just give up

But then I found. . .

There’s someone inside me who says you can do this

There’s someone inside me who says you’re not worthless

There’s someone inside me who says you’re not stupid

There’s someone inside me who says I’m so proud of what you did

There’s someone inside me who says you’ll always measure up

There’s someone inside me who says never give up

And then He tells me. . .

Don’t let feelings of inferiority tell you who you are

You are beautiful—you are you

You are talented—you are you

You are smart—you are you

I made you this way; I love you just the way you are

Be you

Love like you love

Think like you think

Do what you do

Be you

come alive

I have always felt like I was meant for more. There is something inside of me that refuses to live a normal life. I've always wanted to be a world changer. My favorite band as a teenager was BarlowGirl. They've now disbanded, but their music and their message has had a major impact on my life. They challenged me to take a stand for something. To be different. To make a difference for God. They were not focused on living the typical life. They don't live the typical life. They traveled the world as a famous rock band for nine years... they have never dated... they seek God and His purpose rather than their plan. I'm finding myself coming face to face with God's call on my life and trying to understand what it means for the future. To me... there's something greater than growing up, getting a job, getting married, and living life. There's more to life than success and fame. There's more to life than love and happiness. There's more to life than THIS.

I have a "deep, dark secret." I've been seeing a counselor. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for the two months. I've been digging through my life--my past, present, and future--trying to figure out where this struggle is coming from. I've been spending more time thinking about my sins... what I believe... and spending more time in the Bible. I've been seeking. Or trying at least. And I feel like I'm seeing God's call on my life surface. My call is SERVING GOD. Serving God more than on Sunday for an hour. My call is serving God with my ENTIRE BEING. I feel like my dissatisfaction with life is starting to make sense. God hasn't let me settle down into that routine. In fact, He's ripped it out from under me when I've tried. I'm not happy living in that routine. I want more. I don't want to graduate college, get a 9-5 job, and go to church twice a week. That's NOT who God has made me to be. That's not what God has made the desire of my heart. And it makes sense.

I read Psalm 48 and 49 today. Psalm 48:14 stuck out to me. It says, "For such is God, our God forever and ever; He will guide us until death." Also, Psalm 49:11-13, 17 really screamed at me the purpose of my call, "Their inner thought is that their houses are forever and their dwelling places to all generations; they have called their lands after their own names. But man in his pomp will not endure; He is like the beasts that perish. This is the way of those who are foolish, and of those after them who approve their words. . . . For when he dies he will carry nothing away; his glory will not descend after him." God is our guide. He is our God. And will be forever. Psalm 49 just made me laugh at how great I think I am. Who am I to think I am something great? Who am I to think I am something that has worth on my own? Who am I to think that I have this power? Who am I to think I am deserving of anything?? I, in my arrogance, think my fame and success will last... but in the end it will all die away and only what I do for God will matter. Verse 17 is the heart... when I die, I will not take a single "A", a single dollar, a single photograph, a single piano key, a positive critique from my boss, or any praise at all from people in this world. All I will take with me is my work for God.

That is humbling. And scary.

I don't even know what to write now. I feel like I can finally see a little piece of what God was trying to lead me to. He is showing me His call on my life--passionate, dedicated, sold. out. service to HIM. Not settling for this normal life, but RISING to this life changing call.

Speak for me

I’m tired. I’m worn; my heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing. I’ve made mistakes; I’ve let my hope fail. My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world…For my iniquities are gone over my head; as a heavy burden they weigh too much for me…I am benumbed and badly crushed; I groan because of the agitation of my heart. Lord, all my desire is before You; and my sighing is not hidden from You. My heart throbs, my strength fails me; and the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me... Those who seek my life lay snares for me; And those who seek to injure me have threatened destruction, and they devised treachery all day long…For I am ready to fall, and my sorrow is continually before me…My enemies are vigorous and strong, and many are those who hate me wrongfully…Do not forsake me, O Lord; Oh my God, do not be far from me! Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation! Do whatever it takes to give me Your heart…And I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left. Let me see redemption win, let me see the struggle end that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn.I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life…Don’t stop the madness. Don’t stop the chaos. Don’t stop the pain surrounding me. Don’t be afraid, Lord, to break my heart, just bring me down to my knees…So it’s alright if you can’t stop the tears that you cry, ‘Cause someday we’ll touch the face of our God and the sorrow will disappear…But as we run our hands along these scars, may they tell us who we are. We are the redeemed…Hallelujah! We are free to struggle. We’re not struggling to be free. Your blood bought and makes us children. Children, drop your chains and sing…

Sovereign

"But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, My glory, and the One who lifts my head." - Psalm 3:3

God is sovereign... in every circumstance. I've been reading in the book "Respectable Sins", and was really impacted by the reminder that God has a plan for every circumstance we encounter. I read Psalm 2 and 3 today and noticed a thought pattern in chapter 2 that has been my thought pattern too. It seems like the people being written about in that chapter are planning something; they're getting riled up and worried. They're trying to take control of a situation, but God is looking down on them, shaking His head at their ignorance.

I have that same thought pattern. I've encountered several tremendously difficult situations lately and I have been in a panic. I've been grasping at anything but God trying to fix the problem. I can only imagine God looking down, shaking His head at me. My actions and emotions do not communicate that I trust God and believe He is doing what's best for me.

Psalm 3 seemed to be a redeeming thought of sorts after chapter 2. The people first were in a state of not trusting God demonstrated in their thoughts and actions. Now, in chapter 3, they're recognizing their dependence on God. They recognize that God has a plan; He shields them and sustains them. He gives them peace. The people seem to have come to a recognition of God's sovereignty in their situation.

I'm counting this struggle as a blessing. I was talking to a friend about how I have had a spiritually interesting week and they responded by saying that it was better than dull and stagnant. I couldn't agree more. Even though this time has been (and still is) so emotionally exhausting, I am finally starting to learn. I am starting to hear from God again... and that's the best thing I could ever ask for.

Sin

"O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger, nor chasten me in Your wrath. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am pining away; heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed. . . . I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief; it has become old because of all my adversaries." - Psalm 6:1-2, 6-7

Those verses have been my song for the past week. It has been ROUGH. I've never experienced such brokenness, depression, and sadness. It's so hidden away; only two people know about it specifically. I've been faced with the issue of sin in my life. It started with a Sunday morning sermon about sin; I was bothered by the fact I couldn't think of any "sin" in my life. I started reading a book called "Respectable Sins." This book has been an eye opener. On top of that, chapel services at my school have been addressing this idea too, challenging me to strengthen my relationship with God by saturating myself in the Word.

The chapter I read today in the book "Respectable Sins" talked about the sins of anxiety, worry, and frustration. I started out reading Psalm 1. One of the phrases says "Blessed is the man . . . who does not stand in the path of sinners." Based on my reading of this book "Respectable Sins," the path of sinners is filled with ungodliness, anxiety, worry, and frustration. And, to top it off, verse 3 says this: "But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night." Saturation in Scripture.

The concept this book pointed out to me is that God is sovereignly in control of all actions, and he has a good reason for allowing EVERY single thing in my life. I need to think of God and His plan rather than resorting to any of the feelings I have been (depression, sadness, frustration, and anger). The verse this book pointed was from Psalm 139:16b: "And in your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them." Every day of my life (and everything in it!) is planned out by God. There is a purpose and plan for every circumstance I encounter in life.

Rather than sinning by getting frustrated and anxious about every situation I encounter, the godly way to deal with this is to acknowledge God's hand in the situation. The book offers this prayer as a sample: "This circumstance is part of Your plan for my life today. Help me to respond in faith and in a God-honoring way to Your providential will. And then please give me wisdom to know how to address the situation that tends to cause the frustration."

To try and start saturating myself in Scripture, I went to Malachi--the chapter headings spoke to me about what I've been dealing with. Verses that stuck out to me talked about insincere sacrifices (1:10, 13), and callousness toward God (2:17). Malachi seems to deal with a lot of insincere and ignorant people--people who think they can get away with giving less than their best to God, or who don't spend enough time with God to know what pleases Him. Well... that's me! I'm this horrendous, sinful creature who doesn't know the first thing about what pleases God. All I know is that I've got to change my heart attitude, but that I can only do that with God's help.

If you're reading this, would you pray for me? Pray that I'd be receptive to God's ordained circumstances and that I'd be able to start living with an awareness of His plan and turn to Him instead of getting frustrated.

an everlasting covenant

Today I've been struggling with a lot of fear. I've been drifting away from God every day. I feel lost. I want to get back to where I used to be in my relationship with God. I feel so spiritually dead. Tonight, I was talking to a friend about God's commitment to His children. I asked them if God would ever push His children away, or not call them back to Him after they went away. Honestly, I'm questioning God's faithfulness. A couple of weeks ago, I checked out a stack of books from the library. One of the books is titled "50 Reasons Why Jesus Came To Die" by: John Piper. I looked at reason #14: To bring us to faith and keep us faithful. Piper talks about the terms of God's covenant made with the blood of His Son, Jesus. He quotes a verse from Jeremiah where God says, "... this is the covenant that I will make... I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts....for I will forgive their iniequity, and I will remember their sin no more" (Jeremiah 31:31-34). Piper says that the covenant is sure and certain because it is bought with the blood of Jesus Christ. God secures our faithfulness. In Jeremiah 32:40, God says, "I will make an everlasting covenant with them that I will not turn away from them, to do them good; and I will put the fear of Me in their hearts so that they will not turn away from Me." God givesme a new heart and a new security with Christ. He won't let me turn from Him. He'll keep me as His child. His covenant is guaranteed... it is bought with the precious, priceless blood of His Son, Jesus. Here's a final thought I found in Isaiah 59:21. "As for Me, this is My covenant with them," says the Lord: "My Spirit which is upon you, and My words which I have put in your mouth shall not depart from your mouth, nor from the mouth of your offspring, nor from the mouth of your offspring's offspring," says the Lord, "from now and forever."

I just think it's so amazing how God saved me, made me His child, and promises to keep me forever. I'm listening to this song right now... and it speaks my praise to God. It's called "Here in Your Presence":

"Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonder
Kings and their kingdoms are standing amazed.
Here in Your presence we are undone.
Here in Your presence heaven and earth become one.
Here in Your presence all things are new.
Here in Your presence everything bows before You.

Wonderful, glorious, matchless in every way.
Wonderful, glorious, matchless in every way.
Wonderful, glorious, matchless in every way."

a new take...

Recently, I started reading the Beatitudes in Matthew 5. God opened my eyes and gave me a new understanding of those Beatitudes. I had always thought of the Beatitudes as kind of "if you do this, God will give you this." They always seemed like the kind of statements that tell you to do everything you already know. I guess God gave them a new depth in my heart.

Jesus is beginning to teach on the Law. He is at the beginning of His ministry and is teaching the disciples and the crowd around them. He repeats the word "Blessed" which means "happy", "fortunate", or "blissful." He is teaching the people that, despite what the world says about finding happiness, TRUE happiness comes from being in a relationship with God and being faithful to Him. Jesus is describing what a person with true faith looks like.

In verse 3, Jesus says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." I think I finally understood that this verse is talking about recognizing our nothing-ness without God. The kingdom of heaven is talking about salvation. We CAN'T have salvation without God. Only He draws us to Him, and He is the one who saves us. Verse 4 talks about our sorrow over our sin. It says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." God's forgiveness can comfort His children because they do not have to live in that condemnation; they can be forgiven.
In verse 5 it says, "Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth." I think the gentleness talked about in this verse is self-control. Those who are gentle are not pushovers, but they are filled with God's love for others and are in control of their feelings and emotions. In verse 6 it is talking about those who want to be righteous because they want to please God. It says, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied." In verse 7, it describes the merciful person. "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy." Those who are merciful will receive mercy. In verse 8, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." Those who hae pure motives in their heart will see God in heaven. In verse 9, Jesus speaks about those who are peacemakers. "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God." Those who keep peace will be God's children. Verses 10 and 11 finish the set of Beatitudes, and I felt they were easier to understand than the others. "Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsley say all kinds of evil against you because of Me."

God convicted me about not putting Him first and not seeking righteousness like a faithful child of God should. God has rewards for those who do what His word says; that is encouraging to me. God clearly lays out an example to follow: recognize your nothing-ness without God, be sorrowful over your sin, have self-control, seek righteousness, be merciful, make sure your motives are pure, keep peace, and do not run from persecution. It's easy to let my selfish desires get in the way of becoming the child God wants me to be; but, I have to remember 2 Corinthians 5:17. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come."

I don't have to feel condemned. I can respond in a godly way to my struggles and keep God at the forefront even now.

What time is it? Summertime!

Adjustment. It's crazy to spend half of your year in one place, and the other half in another. The weather suddenly changed from chilly spring, to warm, humid, summer. I am home, back in situations I escaped during the school year. I have this anxiousness and sadness about these life situations.  I am feeling a bit lost amongst the sudden slow-down in life. Perhaps God is pushing me, drawing me closer to Him. I know some people have been praying that for me. I searched for Bible verses for encouragement for those who are feeling "lost" and here's what I found. "Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day." - 2 Corinthians 4:16. All I can do is hold tight to this truth. Whatever God is doing is to help me grow and be renewed as His child.

sinking in deep...

I feel like I'm sinking. I'm losing all direction. Easter is coming soon. I feel like I have no right whatsoever to feel the way I am feeling right now. Jesus came to earth, suffered, died, and rose again... FOR ME. And yet I have the gall to feel sorry for myself because of difficult situations I'm dealing with. I feel rejected and shut out--though some of it is probably my fault--by much of the people I know. Being at school has provided an escape for me. I feel like an outcast in my own church. I feel like I'm losing touch with everyone and for some reason it feels great to vent to empty space that can be viewed by anyone. ;) I read Psalm 27 last night and it was a Psalm I'm not familiar with. Here's what I shared with people: "LORD, hear my voice. Be kind and answer me. My heart told me to come to you, LORD, so I am coming to ask for your help. Don’t turn away from me. Don’t be angry with your servant. You are the only one who can help me. My God, don’t leave me all alone. You are my Savior. Even if my mother and father leave me, the LORD will take me in. I have enemies, LORD, so teach me your ways. Show me the right... way to live. My enemies have attacked me. They have told lies about me and have tried to hurt me. But I really believe that I will see the LORD’S goodness before I die. Wait for the LORD’S help. Be strong and brave, and wait for the LORD’S help." - Psalm 27:7-14 (ERV). When I read this Psalm, I felt like it was the cry of my heart. I took heart in the last verse... to be strong and brave and WAIT for the Lord. So I slept peacefully with that truth in my heart. Then today has been one big rollercoaster. And my night was topped off when I saw this Tweet by Todd Agnew: "There is great wisdom in being able to let go of something that is good, but not best." Now... I don't believe in coincidence, but the sovereign will of God... but I do think I am easily swayed by things I see. I don't know when to take something as a message from God to do something or when to take something as a test from God and wait to get through it.

I am listening to a song right now (All Creatures of Our God and King, sung by Bethany Dillon and Shawn McDonald) and I feel like it is the perfect soundtrack to my life, particularly because I sang it a couple of years ago with some friends. I still have a recording of that song and it brings such joy to my heart... and sorrow. That video seems to be the mark of a time when we were almost friends and when we almost got along. We worked together and created something beautiful. That's where the joy comes from. The sorrow comes from the fact that it has never been, and I fear it never will be, that way again. There's so much hurt, baggage, and uncertainty resting on those relationships right now and I feel so broken underneath the weight.

I read Karen Kingsbury and identify with the hurt and suffering the characters are enduring, but there's always a happy ending. There's always a specific divine message that's clear and the characters understand and know what it is. I wish I had that. I feel so lost in this cloud.

I guess all I can do is ask the Lord to hear my voice and answer my cry. I pray that I can make it to Easter with a joy in my heart because of what He did, even if I am filled with sorrow.