sinking in deep...

I feel like I'm sinking. I'm losing all direction. Easter is coming soon. I feel like I have no right whatsoever to feel the way I am feeling right now. Jesus came to earth, suffered, died, and rose again... FOR ME. And yet I have the gall to feel sorry for myself because of difficult situations I'm dealing with. I feel rejected and shut out--though some of it is probably my fault--by much of the people I know. Being at school has provided an escape for me. I feel like an outcast in my own church. I feel like I'm losing touch with everyone and for some reason it feels great to vent to empty space that can be viewed by anyone. ;) I read Psalm 27 last night and it was a Psalm I'm not familiar with. Here's what I shared with people: "LORD, hear my voice. Be kind and answer me. My heart told me to come to you, LORD, so I am coming to ask for your help. Don’t turn away from me. Don’t be angry with your servant. You are the only one who can help me. My God, don’t leave me all alone. You are my Savior. Even if my mother and father leave me, the LORD will take me in. I have enemies, LORD, so teach me your ways. Show me the right... way to live. My enemies have attacked me. They have told lies about me and have tried to hurt me. But I really believe that I will see the LORD’S goodness before I die. Wait for the LORD’S help. Be strong and brave, and wait for the LORD’S help." - Psalm 27:7-14 (ERV). When I read this Psalm, I felt like it was the cry of my heart. I took heart in the last verse... to be strong and brave and WAIT for the Lord. So I slept peacefully with that truth in my heart. Then today has been one big rollercoaster. And my night was topped off when I saw this Tweet by Todd Agnew: "There is great wisdom in being able to let go of something that is good, but not best." Now... I don't believe in coincidence, but the sovereign will of God... but I do think I am easily swayed by things I see. I don't know when to take something as a message from God to do something or when to take something as a test from God and wait to get through it.

I am listening to a song right now (All Creatures of Our God and King, sung by Bethany Dillon and Shawn McDonald) and I feel like it is the perfect soundtrack to my life, particularly because I sang it a couple of years ago with some friends. I still have a recording of that song and it brings such joy to my heart... and sorrow. That video seems to be the mark of a time when we were almost friends and when we almost got along. We worked together and created something beautiful. That's where the joy comes from. The sorrow comes from the fact that it has never been, and I fear it never will be, that way again. There's so much hurt, baggage, and uncertainty resting on those relationships right now and I feel so broken underneath the weight.

I read Karen Kingsbury and identify with the hurt and suffering the characters are enduring, but there's always a happy ending. There's always a specific divine message that's clear and the characters understand and know what it is. I wish I had that. I feel so lost in this cloud.

I guess all I can do is ask the Lord to hear my voice and answer my cry. I pray that I can make it to Easter with a joy in my heart because of what He did, even if I am filled with sorrow.