come alive

I have always felt like I was meant for more. There is something inside of me that refuses to live a normal life. I've always wanted to be a world changer. My favorite band as a teenager was BarlowGirl. They've now disbanded, but their music and their message has had a major impact on my life. They challenged me to take a stand for something. To be different. To make a difference for God. They were not focused on living the typical life. They don't live the typical life. They traveled the world as a famous rock band for nine years... they have never dated... they seek God and His purpose rather than their plan. I'm finding myself coming face to face with God's call on my life and trying to understand what it means for the future. To me... there's something greater than growing up, getting a job, getting married, and living life. There's more to life than success and fame. There's more to life than love and happiness. There's more to life than THIS.

I have a "deep, dark secret." I've been seeing a counselor. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for the two months. I've been digging through my life--my past, present, and future--trying to figure out where this struggle is coming from. I've been spending more time thinking about my sins... what I believe... and spending more time in the Bible. I've been seeking. Or trying at least. And I feel like I'm seeing God's call on my life surface. My call is SERVING GOD. Serving God more than on Sunday for an hour. My call is serving God with my ENTIRE BEING. I feel like my dissatisfaction with life is starting to make sense. God hasn't let me settle down into that routine. In fact, He's ripped it out from under me when I've tried. I'm not happy living in that routine. I want more. I don't want to graduate college, get a 9-5 job, and go to church twice a week. That's NOT who God has made me to be. That's not what God has made the desire of my heart. And it makes sense.

I read Psalm 48 and 49 today. Psalm 48:14 stuck out to me. It says, "For such is God, our God forever and ever; He will guide us until death." Also, Psalm 49:11-13, 17 really screamed at me the purpose of my call, "Their inner thought is that their houses are forever and their dwelling places to all generations; they have called their lands after their own names. But man in his pomp will not endure; He is like the beasts that perish. This is the way of those who are foolish, and of those after them who approve their words. . . . For when he dies he will carry nothing away; his glory will not descend after him." God is our guide. He is our God. And will be forever. Psalm 49 just made me laugh at how great I think I am. Who am I to think I am something great? Who am I to think I am something that has worth on my own? Who am I to think that I have this power? Who am I to think I am deserving of anything?? I, in my arrogance, think my fame and success will last... but in the end it will all die away and only what I do for God will matter. Verse 17 is the heart... when I die, I will not take a single "A", a single dollar, a single photograph, a single piano key, a positive critique from my boss, or any praise at all from people in this world. All I will take with me is my work for God.

That is humbling. And scary.

I don't even know what to write now. I feel like I can finally see a little piece of what God was trying to lead me to. He is showing me His call on my life--passionate, dedicated, sold. out. service to HIM. Not settling for this normal life, but RISING to this life changing call.

A Call to Die

God has been showing me lately how much greater He is than the things I have in this world. The thing that consumes me most in the world is love. Romantic movies, songs about love, love stories, relationships... this stuff consumes me. More than half of both my movie and music collection has to do with romance and practically all of my books do. I notice too that when I need comfort or a "pick-me-up" I'll turn to a love story before I'll turn to God's love letter to me, His Word. There are so many truths in God's Word that if I really were to listen to and believe them, they'd satisfy me so much more than any romantic movie could.

Jeremiah 15:16 says: "Your words were found and I ate them, and Your words became for me a joy and the delight of my heart; for I have been called by Your name, O LORD God of hosts." God's Word can and should be the delight of my heart. This is something I struggle with because I feel like I deserve a pity party. When I'm feeling sad, I think that I have every right to sit and drown my sorrows in a candy bar and a love story. That is so self-centered. I felt that way today and was even told what was true... that God has situations in our lives that are difficult to teach us and that someday it WILL work out for good... but I rejected that truth and instead felt vindicated in my attitude... I had a reason for my sorrow and negativity.

I don't.

Christ's cross is the reason I don't. He came and died on the cross for all of my sins and sorrows. He came and set me free. That brings joy that will last forever!

I've been reading through the Bible with a friend and we finally made it to the New Testament! We're in Matthew right now, and a passage that never seems to get old for me is in chapter 5. It's part of the Beatitudes and it says: "You have heard that it was said, 'An eye for an eye, and a tooth for a tooth.' But I say to you, do not resist an evil person; but whoever slaps you on your right cheek, turn the other to him also. If anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, let him have your coat also. Whoever forces you to go one mile, go with him two. Give to him who asks of you, and do not turn away from him who wants to borrow from you. You have heard that it was said, 'You shall love your neighbor and hate your enemy.' But I say to you, love your enemies and pray for those who persecute you." This is something that God is continually trying to get me to grasp. I don't think that this translates only to our enemies--people that don't like us and want to see us fall--but I think it also translates to friends who hurt you, family members who anger you, and people who don't like you. When I'm faced with evil... I need to respond in the way Christ teaches here. I don't need to retaliate or say nasty things about them, but I need to respond in kindness. This is something that I constantly struggle with and see that God is constantly showing me what I need to be doing when I fail.

Part of dying to myself involves letting go of my selfish desires. My selfish desire is to retaliate or make myself feel better by saying something mean about that person behind their back... but God's desire is to say something kind to them or help them out.

As God is teaching me, He's filling my heart with a desire for Him stronger than I've had before. He's slowly working on my heart, and I'm trying as only a fallen person can to follow Him. I fail an awful lot... but God in His grace helps me get back up and keep going. I hope that one day I can be even slightly like the kind of person that God wants me to be.

"Your grace is amazing to me...
Your love is still such a wonder...
Your cross is still bringing me to my knees, Oh God...
You still amaze me."
- You Still Amaze Me; Rebecca St. James