come alive

I have always felt like I was meant for more. There is something inside of me that refuses to live a normal life. I've always wanted to be a world changer. My favorite band as a teenager was BarlowGirl. They've now disbanded, but their music and their message has had a major impact on my life. They challenged me to take a stand for something. To be different. To make a difference for God. They were not focused on living the typical life. They don't live the typical life. They traveled the world as a famous rock band for nine years... they have never dated... they seek God and His purpose rather than their plan. I'm finding myself coming face to face with God's call on my life and trying to understand what it means for the future. To me... there's something greater than growing up, getting a job, getting married, and living life. There's more to life than success and fame. There's more to life than love and happiness. There's more to life than THIS.

I have a "deep, dark secret." I've been seeing a counselor. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for the two months. I've been digging through my life--my past, present, and future--trying to figure out where this struggle is coming from. I've been spending more time thinking about my sins... what I believe... and spending more time in the Bible. I've been seeking. Or trying at least. And I feel like I'm seeing God's call on my life surface. My call is SERVING GOD. Serving God more than on Sunday for an hour. My call is serving God with my ENTIRE BEING. I feel like my dissatisfaction with life is starting to make sense. God hasn't let me settle down into that routine. In fact, He's ripped it out from under me when I've tried. I'm not happy living in that routine. I want more. I don't want to graduate college, get a 9-5 job, and go to church twice a week. That's NOT who God has made me to be. That's not what God has made the desire of my heart. And it makes sense.

I read Psalm 48 and 49 today. Psalm 48:14 stuck out to me. It says, "For such is God, our God forever and ever; He will guide us until death." Also, Psalm 49:11-13, 17 really screamed at me the purpose of my call, "Their inner thought is that their houses are forever and their dwelling places to all generations; they have called their lands after their own names. But man in his pomp will not endure; He is like the beasts that perish. This is the way of those who are foolish, and of those after them who approve their words. . . . For when he dies he will carry nothing away; his glory will not descend after him." God is our guide. He is our God. And will be forever. Psalm 49 just made me laugh at how great I think I am. Who am I to think I am something great? Who am I to think I am something that has worth on my own? Who am I to think that I have this power? Who am I to think I am deserving of anything?? I, in my arrogance, think my fame and success will last... but in the end it will all die away and only what I do for God will matter. Verse 17 is the heart... when I die, I will not take a single "A", a single dollar, a single photograph, a single piano key, a positive critique from my boss, or any praise at all from people in this world. All I will take with me is my work for God.

That is humbling. And scary.

I don't even know what to write now. I feel like I can finally see a little piece of what God was trying to lead me to. He is showing me His call on my life--passionate, dedicated, sold. out. service to HIM. Not settling for this normal life, but RISING to this life changing call.