You are making me new

Before you read through this, click this link and play this song while you read. This is what I have been listening to all day and it speaks to my heart so much.

"God's love is his holy disposition toward all that he has created that compels him to express unconditional affection and selective correction to provide the highest quality of existence, both now and forever, for the object of his love." - Chip Ingram

Lately, living life has been a struggle. I've felt constantly attacked since the beginning of the semester. I've been nervous. I've been depressed. I've been so afraid that I had to drop everything in the middle of the school week and go home just to get myself back together. I've asked so many questions during this time. Why is God letting this happen to me? I feel like I have called out to Him, sought Him, and relied on Him during this time, yet I didn't feel like I was getting any relief. Daily life has become a struggle. I have to fight so hard to keep my heart happy.

 

Today, I got fed up. I started talking to God, sharing my frustrations. I told Him what I knew to be true of Him and what I was feeling and how I didn't know how to decipher between the two. My feelings were not following my knowledge--why?? I pulled a book off of my bookshelf that my Mom gave me a few weeks ago when I was struggling with my perception of God. It's called God: As He Longs For You To See Him, by: Chip Ingram. This chapter opened my eyes to one of the reasons for my struggle: I don't believe that God loves me. I know, it but I don't believe it.

 

As I kept reading through the book, I started to cry. The truths in this chapter touched my heart and I felt peace. I felt like I had some kind of understanding about my struggles. The struggles have not been in vain... they are not in vain. God is not some monster up in the sky who is just tormenting me and playing games with my mind. God LOVES me. Chip Ingram made five points that I want to share here:

1) God's thoughts, intentions, desires, and plans are ALWAYS for my good and NEVER for my harm.

2) God is kind, open, approachable, frank, and EAGER to be my friend.

3) God emotionally identifies with my pain, joy, hopes, and dreams, and has chosen to allow MY happiness to affect His own.

4) He takes pleasure in me just for I am COMPLETELY apart from my performance and/or accomplishments.

5) God is actively and creatively orchestrating people, circumstances, and events to express his AFFECTION and selective correction to provide for my HIGHEST good.

 

These five points revealed something to me.

 

 

 
I am a part of the children's ministry I lead because God LOVES me and He knows how much joy they bring me. He knows how much I love them and how much I long to see their lives impacted by His truth and His love. God knows how much I would learn from them and how much I would grow by being able to serve them for 5 semesters. God put this ministry and these kids in my life because He loves me.

I have these three ladies as my close friends because God loves me. He knew how much they would demonstrate His love and care for me through our Bible studies and just being able to have those people that I can text, Facebook, or call whenever I need ANYTHING. God put these people in my life because He loves me and He knew how much I would need them during this time.

God put this guy in my life because He loves me. God knew how much he would teach me about the love of God. He knew how much he would teach me about sacrifice, love, forgiveness, and grace. God knew how much this guy would be my rock during these times of emotional distress. God put this guy in my life because he shows me God's unchanging, ever-present love. God put this guy in my life because He loves me. God put his family in my life to teach me about love, to help me become a better person, and to learn about who God is!


God gave me this group of people in my life because He loves me. He knew how much I would learn from the two people He made my parents and how much their advice, emotional and spiritual support, and love would demonstrate God's love to me. God gave me my siblings because He knew how much having them in my life would teach me about how God feels about each of us. I love them with a passion. I want to protect them with everything that is in me and I want them to be happy. So, so happy. I hurt when they hurt and I stand up for them when people are coming against them. God gave me these people because He loves me.

God put each of these ladies in my life because He loves me. He knew how much one would teach me about love and understanding. And how another would teach me about thoughtfulness. And how another would teach me about going the extra mile. And how another would teach me about always having someone to come back to. God gave me each of these people because He loves me. God put the girls at my church in my life because He knew how much they would teach me about compassion and love!

God put photography in my life because He knew how much joy it would bring to me. He knew how much fun I would have painting with light, and creating images that people will cherish all of their lives because they are photos of the people they love. He knew how much photography brings joy to my life because it preserves memories--good memories. God gave me photography because He loves me.

And I tried and tried to upload a picture of OCU friends, but there was a connection issue, so I couldn't. But anyway... God gave me my time, friends, bosses, and coworkers at OCU because He knew how much I would GROW from them. He knew how much I would NEED them. He knew how much JOY they would bring me.

God has blessed me so much. And I am starting to understand that He loves me. I still have a long way to go, but He is making me new.

I need your help

This post will be very similar to a previous post. The text for that post was none of my words. It was words from songs and Scripture that spoke what was in my heart. I'm back to that point again. Only this time it seems worse. This time I am mad at God. I am bitter. I resent Him. And yet I can't turn from Him because I know in my heart that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. And so I feel trapped. I feel trapped and forced into a relationship with this God who I've been told loves us and does only good and what's best for us... I feel like God is playing this big trick on me because I feel like everything I enjoy in this life and everything that I thought gave me purpose is going to be ripped away. I don't trust Him. And it makes me so upset. Because I want to. I know I did at one point in my life. I think I did four days ago even. I was so blindsided by this change in my thinking. I don't know how to handle it. I feel like I'm being attacked and I feel like I have no weapons to fight with. I feel helpless. I feel kind of hopeless. I'm struggling finding joy in life. I feel heartbroken because I can't believe the things I'm thinking about a God I once claimed so strongly and did everything I could to defend and understand.

In my head I know that God can handle these doubts. He's not intimidated by my questioning and by my frustration. Yet I feel like if I don't figure this out soon in my head He will abandon me. I feel like He will think I don't really want this. I feel like He will throw in the towel on me. I know the words to all the songs and I know the main points in the Scriptures that combat all these thoughts, but I'm realizing I don't believe them in my heart. I know them and can spout them off to anyone. I can prove that I'm a Christian by my head knowledge, but when it comes to actually connecting with God, feeling joy just being in His presence, and looking forward to an eternity in heaven with Him... I am nowhere near there.

I feel like I can't solve the problem on my own because I can't even read the Bible. I'm so frustrated when I do because I am feeling so negatively toward God. We have revival services at school this week. I told God that I was coming to revival expecting something. I told Him that I expected teaching that would make my thoughts do a 180. I told Him I expected to get it today. I told Him I expected to get it now. The speaker did give me some thoughts that seemed to fit right in with where I am at; however, my thoughts haven't turned around yet. I am going back to revival services tomorrow and Thursday expecting big things from God. I'm expecting Him to show me plain as day how to change my thinking or to do it Himself by zapping me!

I beg you for your prayers. I need people fighting for me. I don't want this in my life. But I feel helpless to rid myself of it. Please pray without fear. Pray with confidence. Pray for deliverance. Pray for a 180 in my thoughts. Pray for a new understanding of God and a new devotion and commitment to Him. Pray for change. And pray for it now.

Break Me Down

Pride: The state of holding yourself in high esteem. Lately, I've been convicted about pride in my heart. It is strong. I found a few quotes that describe what my pride looks like.

"Vanity and pride are different things, though the words are often used synonymously. A person may be proud without being vain. Pride relates more to our opinion of ourselves, vanity to what we would have others think of us.” - Jane Austen

I have a high opinion of myself and the things I do; I want everyone around me to think highly of me too.

“As long as you are proud you cannot know God. A proud man is always looking down on things and people; and, of course, as long as you are looking down, you cannot see something that is above you.” - C.S. Lewis

I'm very critical. I'm always picking out the bad things about other people to show how I am superior.

“Pride gets no pleasure out of having something, only out of having more of it than the next man... It is the comparison that makes you proud: the pleasure of being above the rest. Once the element of competition is gone, pride is gone.” - C.S. Lewis

I do get a sense of pleasure of being "better" than other people. I think to myself "I don't do that... I would NEVER do that... I'm better than this person because I do this..." It makes me feel good about myself.

“The proud wish God would agree with them. They are not interested in changing their opinions to agree with God's.” - Ezra Taft Benson

I have a hard time changing myself because I can't imagine my ideas being wrong. I think that what I'm doing is just fine and God must think so too.

Then I started reading through Isaiah and found verses that seemed to point out my pride again and again.

"They furnish wine and lovely music at their grand parties--lyre and harp, tambourine and flute--but they never think about the LORD or notice what he is doing" (Isaiah 5:12, NLT).

I live my life like this. I visit with my friends, I go shopping, I watch movies, I play the piano--I do most of my daily activities without thinking about God or His plan.

"What sorrow for those who are wise in their own eyes and think themselves so clever" (Isaiah 5:21, NLT).

Shame on me for even thinking I know things or have something that no one else does. Shame on me for thinking myself to be better or more talented than others.

"Don't call everything a conspiracy, like they do, and don't live in dread of what frightens them. Make the LORD of Heaven's Armies holy in your life. He is the one you should fear. He is the one who should make you tremble" (Isaiah 8:12-13, NLT).

I value what the world values more than what God values. I think the way the world thinks and not the way God thinks.

"He will delight in obeying the LORD, He will not judge by appearance nor make a decision based on hearsay. He will give justice to the poor and make fair decisions for the exploited. The earth will shake at the force of his word, and one breath from his mouth will destroy the wicked" (Isaiah 11:3-4, NLT).

These verses are prophesying about Jesus, but it gave me a pretty clear description of what a person without pride would look like. 1) Delighting in obeying God, 2) Not judging based on looks, 3) Not making a decision based on what someone not directly connected with a situation may say, 4) Treat the poor with justice, and 5) Be fair to those who are mistreated.

"See, God has come to save me. I will trust in him and not be afraid. The LORD God is my strength and my song; he has given me victory" (Isaiah 12:2, NLT).

I am overwhelmed by pride. I feel like changing my heart will be so difficult and so painful. But God can give me victory!

"Before you can be delivered from pride and be a humble child of God, you must face this inner conviction that you believe that you are superior to others and you must come to an absolute certainty that there is no merit or goodness in you of yourself. Only inasmuch as God is present within you are you good, and then it is not your goodness, but His (James 1:17)." - Timeless Truths

To rid myself of pride, a starting point would be to follow these steps: 1) Face the fact that I AM filled with pride, 2) Realize that I think I'm better than everyone else around me, 3) Understand that I am completely void of goodness, 4) Realize that my heart is deceitful, wicked, and sick, 5) Hold on to the truth that I was born with a sin nature and am still plagued by it and, because of that nature, I can do NOTHING good on my own.

"Whatever is good and perfect comes down to us from God our Father, who created all the lights in the heavens. He never changes or casts a shifting shadow" (James 1:17, NLT).

Kindred Spirits

"A kindred spirit is much more than just a friend. A kindred spirit, is someone who understands unconditionally, without even trying. Someone who becomes a part of your life without even trying, whether you like it or not, because somehow or the other, she just knows what you're thinking. That someone will not only tolerate your incessant ramblings but will manage to acquire the underlying sense behind it. That someone gives you far more than love or friendship - that someone 'gets' you, which is much harder to find than love/friendship."

*disclaimer* I don't want to offend anyone!! I realized tonight that I am missing something in my life. I don't have that kindred spirit or that bosom friend. Yeah, sure, I have a fiance and I'm not putting that down... but I am missing that girl friend that connects with me on a level that my guy can't. I don't want this to sound whiny... but it just hit me tonight that it's what I've been missing. Sure I have lots of surface friends, or friends who I do certain things with, but I don't have that one that really gets every part of me... that one who I can be my true self with. I feel like I have to put up this fake front with everyone else. People have this expectation or idea of what I should be... and I try to live up to it. The result of this has been that I don't feel connected to anyone.

This post feels so drab and lame... but it's what is on my heart.

Inside Me

Something inside me says you can’t do this

Something inside me says you’re worthless

Something inside me says you’re stupid

Something inside me says I can’t believe what you did

Something inside me says you’ll never measure up

Something inside me says just give up

But then I found. . .

There’s someone inside me who says you can do this

There’s someone inside me who says you’re not worthless

There’s someone inside me who says you’re not stupid

There’s someone inside me who says I’m so proud of what you did

There’s someone inside me who says you’ll always measure up

There’s someone inside me who says never give up

And then He tells me. . .

Don’t let feelings of inferiority tell you who you are

You are beautiful—you are you

You are talented—you are you

You are smart—you are you

I made you this way; I love you just the way you are

Be you

Love like you love

Think like you think

Do what you do

Be you

come alive

I have always felt like I was meant for more. There is something inside of me that refuses to live a normal life. I've always wanted to be a world changer. My favorite band as a teenager was BarlowGirl. They've now disbanded, but their music and their message has had a major impact on my life. They challenged me to take a stand for something. To be different. To make a difference for God. They were not focused on living the typical life. They don't live the typical life. They traveled the world as a famous rock band for nine years... they have never dated... they seek God and His purpose rather than their plan. I'm finding myself coming face to face with God's call on my life and trying to understand what it means for the future. To me... there's something greater than growing up, getting a job, getting married, and living life. There's more to life than success and fame. There's more to life than love and happiness. There's more to life than THIS.

I have a "deep, dark secret." I've been seeing a counselor. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for the two months. I've been digging through my life--my past, present, and future--trying to figure out where this struggle is coming from. I've been spending more time thinking about my sins... what I believe... and spending more time in the Bible. I've been seeking. Or trying at least. And I feel like I'm seeing God's call on my life surface. My call is SERVING GOD. Serving God more than on Sunday for an hour. My call is serving God with my ENTIRE BEING. I feel like my dissatisfaction with life is starting to make sense. God hasn't let me settle down into that routine. In fact, He's ripped it out from under me when I've tried. I'm not happy living in that routine. I want more. I don't want to graduate college, get a 9-5 job, and go to church twice a week. That's NOT who God has made me to be. That's not what God has made the desire of my heart. And it makes sense.

I read Psalm 48 and 49 today. Psalm 48:14 stuck out to me. It says, "For such is God, our God forever and ever; He will guide us until death." Also, Psalm 49:11-13, 17 really screamed at me the purpose of my call, "Their inner thought is that their houses are forever and their dwelling places to all generations; they have called their lands after their own names. But man in his pomp will not endure; He is like the beasts that perish. This is the way of those who are foolish, and of those after them who approve their words. . . . For when he dies he will carry nothing away; his glory will not descend after him." God is our guide. He is our God. And will be forever. Psalm 49 just made me laugh at how great I think I am. Who am I to think I am something great? Who am I to think I am something that has worth on my own? Who am I to think that I have this power? Who am I to think I am deserving of anything?? I, in my arrogance, think my fame and success will last... but in the end it will all die away and only what I do for God will matter. Verse 17 is the heart... when I die, I will not take a single "A", a single dollar, a single photograph, a single piano key, a positive critique from my boss, or any praise at all from people in this world. All I will take with me is my work for God.

That is humbling. And scary.

I don't even know what to write now. I feel like I can finally see a little piece of what God was trying to lead me to. He is showing me His call on my life--passionate, dedicated, sold. out. service to HIM. Not settling for this normal life, but RISING to this life changing call.

Speak for me

I’m tired. I’m worn; my heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing. I’ve made mistakes; I’ve let my hope fail. My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world…For my iniquities are gone over my head; as a heavy burden they weigh too much for me…I am benumbed and badly crushed; I groan because of the agitation of my heart. Lord, all my desire is before You; and my sighing is not hidden from You. My heart throbs, my strength fails me; and the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me... Those who seek my life lay snares for me; And those who seek to injure me have threatened destruction, and they devised treachery all day long…For I am ready to fall, and my sorrow is continually before me…My enemies are vigorous and strong, and many are those who hate me wrongfully…Do not forsake me, O Lord; Oh my God, do not be far from me! Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation! Do whatever it takes to give me Your heart…And I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left. Let me see redemption win, let me see the struggle end that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn.I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life…Don’t stop the madness. Don’t stop the chaos. Don’t stop the pain surrounding me. Don’t be afraid, Lord, to break my heart, just bring me down to my knees…So it’s alright if you can’t stop the tears that you cry, ‘Cause someday we’ll touch the face of our God and the sorrow will disappear…But as we run our hands along these scars, may they tell us who we are. We are the redeemed…Hallelujah! We are free to struggle. We’re not struggling to be free. Your blood bought and makes us children. Children, drop your chains and sing…