sinking in deep...

I feel like I'm sinking. I'm losing all direction. Easter is coming soon. I feel like I have no right whatsoever to feel the way I am feeling right now. Jesus came to earth, suffered, died, and rose again... FOR ME. And yet I have the gall to feel sorry for myself because of difficult situations I'm dealing with. I feel rejected and shut out--though some of it is probably my fault--by much of the people I know. Being at school has provided an escape for me. I feel like an outcast in my own church. I feel like I'm losing touch with everyone and for some reason it feels great to vent to empty space that can be viewed by anyone. ;) I read Psalm 27 last night and it was a Psalm I'm not familiar with. Here's what I shared with people: "LORD, hear my voice. Be kind and answer me. My heart told me to come to you, LORD, so I am coming to ask for your help. Don’t turn away from me. Don’t be angry with your servant. You are the only one who can help me. My God, don’t leave me all alone. You are my Savior. Even if my mother and father leave me, the LORD will take me in. I have enemies, LORD, so teach me your ways. Show me the right... way to live. My enemies have attacked me. They have told lies about me and have tried to hurt me. But I really believe that I will see the LORD’S goodness before I die. Wait for the LORD’S help. Be strong and brave, and wait for the LORD’S help." - Psalm 27:7-14 (ERV). When I read this Psalm, I felt like it was the cry of my heart. I took heart in the last verse... to be strong and brave and WAIT for the Lord. So I slept peacefully with that truth in my heart. Then today has been one big rollercoaster. And my night was topped off when I saw this Tweet by Todd Agnew: "There is great wisdom in being able to let go of something that is good, but not best." Now... I don't believe in coincidence, but the sovereign will of God... but I do think I am easily swayed by things I see. I don't know when to take something as a message from God to do something or when to take something as a test from God and wait to get through it.

I am listening to a song right now (All Creatures of Our God and King, sung by Bethany Dillon and Shawn McDonald) and I feel like it is the perfect soundtrack to my life, particularly because I sang it a couple of years ago with some friends. I still have a recording of that song and it brings such joy to my heart... and sorrow. That video seems to be the mark of a time when we were almost friends and when we almost got along. We worked together and created something beautiful. That's where the joy comes from. The sorrow comes from the fact that it has never been, and I fear it never will be, that way again. There's so much hurt, baggage, and uncertainty resting on those relationships right now and I feel so broken underneath the weight.

I read Karen Kingsbury and identify with the hurt and suffering the characters are enduring, but there's always a happy ending. There's always a specific divine message that's clear and the characters understand and know what it is. I wish I had that. I feel so lost in this cloud.

I guess all I can do is ask the Lord to hear my voice and answer my cry. I pray that I can make it to Easter with a joy in my heart because of what He did, even if I am filled with sorrow.

Joy

Dear Silent Friend,

It's only 3 1/2 weeks into the semester, but it feels like months. In that time God has done some crazy things. I lost my roommate, and have been experiencing some tough confrontations from God about some things in my life. Having my roommate move out is not tragic or terrible, but all of a sudden I feel like I have no connections to people anymore. The people who seem to care about me most are the people I work for and my teachers. I have lost a lot of motivation to practice my instruments, walk to the cafeteria to eat, and do anything productive. I feel like some decisions I have made have cut the joy out of my life. I have a weight pressing down on my heart and can't seem to get it to go away.

That said, I've been hearing a lot of things from God lately, but acting on them has been tough. Maybe this "weight" is God's reminder that I haven't done what He's shown me. I am always afraid that I'll do something, thinking it was God, and then turn out to be wrong. I've waited and prayed... and I feel like I have gotten the same answers and guidance from Him, I am just afraid to act.

Joy is my middle name, but it's missing from my life right now. I want my joy back...

Love,

Korrin

new years resolution: be still and know that I am God

Starting off the new year making a commitment to set aside a time with God every day.

My devotion today was about prayer--actually part of the devo was about being still and knowing God (coincidence? I think not!). Prayer is not for the purpose of getting what I want. Prayer is a gift given to us by God to learn about Him and discover His will. It's another way to worship God. Prayer requires listening--being open and receptive to what God has to say. We're to pray in a way that shows we trust God with the outcome.

My devo book asked an application question: What is one specific thing you will do to change and improve your communication with God?

I have two ideas:
1. Change the subject of my prayer to God, rather than myself, giving Him the glory!
2. Practice prayer without ceasing--acknowledging God in all of my ways.

Here's to a New Year and a renewed relationship with God!

Be holy as the LORD your God is holy

I've been reading Leviticus for my Pentateuch class. We have talked a lot about the laws and customs for cleanliness and God's standard for holiness. At first glance, it seems like lot of pointless information--why do we need to know about all the rules of the law now, when we aren't under that law anymore? I think the answer is that it teaches us who God is.

In Leviticus, if you didn't follow the code of holiness to the letter, you suffered for coming to God in an unholy way. The new covenant is an amazing demonstration of God's love and grace. God is perfect. God is holy. God demands perfection from us, but because we are fallen we cannot meet that demand. God chooses, in His love and mercy, to cover our imperfection with the blood of His son, our sacrificial Lamb, Jesus Christ. I don't think that words can express how amazing God's covenant with His people is. God chooses to overlook our sin and let an undeserving, unholy people come into His presence and worship Him!

I've been thinking that even though we don't have such strict rules to follow now, we should still come to God with the right attitude. I think a lot of times that we "defile" God's sanctuary and His name by the attitude that we choose to worship with. I heard a speaker today talk about holiness. He said that we need to have a strong "signal" in order to be able to communicate with and live in the way a holy God wants us to. I let so much get in the way of God. I choose other things over God. I think, according to Leviticus, that I'm breaking a whole lot of commandments in my heart by the way I live right now. My relationship with God is so broken right now. I know that His love covers my sin, but that does nothing to excuse my part in the covenant. God comes first. God deserves to be first. I just pray that He will help me to put Him in that spot and keep Him there.

Undistracted Devotion

As I've been reading through 1 Corinthians, I think Paul has a central theme of undistracted devotion to God. Although there's only one verse in chapter 7 where he talks about this kind of devotion, it is an implied theme in all of the other verses.

In chapter 8 verse 6, Paul notes that there is only one God and that we exist to serve Him. This is such a simple truth and I'm so used to hearing it in church and at school, but it something we never should get tired of hearing or believing. I know the truth, but I don't live the truth. Practically, living like we exist only to serve God would change our whole attitude in life. It should change the way I interact with people at school or at home. It should change my attitude toward God. My Bible wouldn't just sit on the shelf half the time if I really lived like I existed to serve God.

Also in chapter 8, verse 13, Paul talks about how if something causes his brother to stumble, then he would never be involved with it again. In Paul's case he was referring to food they sacrificed to idols. He wasn't under any law that said he couldn't eat that food, but he did have to remember that his actions might confuse a weaker brother and cause him to stumble. This goes for us too. We are free in Christ, but if our free actions causes a non-believer, or even one of our Christian brothers, to stumble, then we need to stop doing that action IMMEDIATELY.

Chapter 9 follows a similar pattern. Paul goes on to talk about becoming "all things to all people." This is not Paul patronizing or putting a front for people, this is Paul being careful not to offend others with his actions. Now, granted, he can't just bend to people's desires and expectations, he has to act within the realm of Scripture. And in this process Paul talks about how he has to discipline his body to make it his slave so that he won't get to the end of the race of life and find himself disqualified. As Christians we need to do the same. We are in a spiritual battle. We've got to fight and discipline our bodies to follow the leadings and direction of Christ and the Holy Spirit.

This Christian walk isn't easy, but if we are doing what we were made to do--serve God--our life will be filled with so much joy.

It's almost over

I saw TaRanda Greene live this weekend at a Southern Gospel concert and let me tell you, her story spoke to me. Her husband died last year of kidney failure. They'd only been married 10 years and they have two girls who are 3 and 7. That hit me hard because of what I've been struggling with lately. TaRanda had a wonderful life. She was happy, had a husband who she loved, and they had two children. Then one day, her whole world changed when her husband passed away. It reminded me that life is so uncertain. We don't know what will happen to us in the course of a day. God is in control.

There was one central theme at this concert (although I think it is a theme in all Southern Gospel music) that God is all we need and that our time to meet Him is coming soon and we need to be ready!

I was so honored to be able to listen to this concert in the presence of older followers of Christ. They are the ones that the younger generation should look to for inspiration, priority, and purpose. They know what matters: knowing Christ and serving Him. They don't care what this world has to say about our faith. They just want to be with their Savior.

I took that as a challenge to my relationship with God. I have been struggling a lot lately in staying in touch with God. The whole gospel concert experience challenged me to set aside a specific amount of time every day for God. I schedule everything else, so I don't see why I can't schedule time with God too. So that's my challenge to you blog reader! :) Follow God, love Him, serve Him with all your heart. Because at the end of your life, He is all that is going to matter. He is all that will go with us out of this world into eternity. The Christians of today need to get our priorities straight. Set aside that time for God.

Daily Lessons: 1 Corinthians 1 & 2

As I read through 1 Corinthians 1 & 2 these past few days, a few things stuck out.

1. God is wiser and stronger than any man.
2. No man can boast because God is strongest and wisest.
3. We are God's children only because He chose us.
4. To know NOTHING but Christ crucified. He is the only reason we do anything. We have no ground for boasting because Jesus Christ is the reason that we are here.

These are wonderful reminders that I think I usually forget about. God is strongest, wisest, and greatest. He is in control and I am only here because of Him!