Inside Me

Something inside me says you can’t do this

Something inside me says you’re worthless

Something inside me says you’re stupid

Something inside me says I can’t believe what you did

Something inside me says you’ll never measure up

Something inside me says just give up

But then I found. . .

There’s someone inside me who says you can do this

There’s someone inside me who says you’re not worthless

There’s someone inside me who says you’re not stupid

There’s someone inside me who says I’m so proud of what you did

There’s someone inside me who says you’ll always measure up

There’s someone inside me who says never give up

And then He tells me. . .

Don’t let feelings of inferiority tell you who you are

You are beautiful—you are you

You are talented—you are you

You are smart—you are you

I made you this way; I love you just the way you are

Be you

Love like you love

Think like you think

Do what you do

Be you

come alive

I have always felt like I was meant for more. There is something inside of me that refuses to live a normal life. I've always wanted to be a world changer. My favorite band as a teenager was BarlowGirl. They've now disbanded, but their music and their message has had a major impact on my life. They challenged me to take a stand for something. To be different. To make a difference for God. They were not focused on living the typical life. They don't live the typical life. They traveled the world as a famous rock band for nine years... they have never dated... they seek God and His purpose rather than their plan. I'm finding myself coming face to face with God's call on my life and trying to understand what it means for the future. To me... there's something greater than growing up, getting a job, getting married, and living life. There's more to life than success and fame. There's more to life than love and happiness. There's more to life than THIS.

I have a "deep, dark secret." I've been seeing a counselor. I have been struggling with anxiety and depression for the two months. I've been digging through my life--my past, present, and future--trying to figure out where this struggle is coming from. I've been spending more time thinking about my sins... what I believe... and spending more time in the Bible. I've been seeking. Or trying at least. And I feel like I'm seeing God's call on my life surface. My call is SERVING GOD. Serving God more than on Sunday for an hour. My call is serving God with my ENTIRE BEING. I feel like my dissatisfaction with life is starting to make sense. God hasn't let me settle down into that routine. In fact, He's ripped it out from under me when I've tried. I'm not happy living in that routine. I want more. I don't want to graduate college, get a 9-5 job, and go to church twice a week. That's NOT who God has made me to be. That's not what God has made the desire of my heart. And it makes sense.

I read Psalm 48 and 49 today. Psalm 48:14 stuck out to me. It says, "For such is God, our God forever and ever; He will guide us until death." Also, Psalm 49:11-13, 17 really screamed at me the purpose of my call, "Their inner thought is that their houses are forever and their dwelling places to all generations; they have called their lands after their own names. But man in his pomp will not endure; He is like the beasts that perish. This is the way of those who are foolish, and of those after them who approve their words. . . . For when he dies he will carry nothing away; his glory will not descend after him." God is our guide. He is our God. And will be forever. Psalm 49 just made me laugh at how great I think I am. Who am I to think I am something great? Who am I to think I am something that has worth on my own? Who am I to think that I have this power? Who am I to think I am deserving of anything?? I, in my arrogance, think my fame and success will last... but in the end it will all die away and only what I do for God will matter. Verse 17 is the heart... when I die, I will not take a single "A", a single dollar, a single photograph, a single piano key, a positive critique from my boss, or any praise at all from people in this world. All I will take with me is my work for God.

That is humbling. And scary.

I don't even know what to write now. I feel like I can finally see a little piece of what God was trying to lead me to. He is showing me His call on my life--passionate, dedicated, sold. out. service to HIM. Not settling for this normal life, but RISING to this life changing call.

Speak for me

I’m tired. I’m worn; my heart is heavy from the work it takes to keep on breathing. I’ve made mistakes; I’ve let my hope fail. My soul feels crushed by the weight of this world…For my iniquities are gone over my head; as a heavy burden they weigh too much for me…I am benumbed and badly crushed; I groan because of the agitation of my heart. Lord, all my desire is before You; and my sighing is not hidden from You. My heart throbs, my strength fails me; and the light of my eyes, even that has gone from me... Those who seek my life lay snares for me; And those who seek to injure me have threatened destruction, and they devised treachery all day long…For I am ready to fall, and my sorrow is continually before me…My enemies are vigorous and strong, and many are those who hate me wrongfully…Do not forsake me, O Lord; Oh my God, do not be far from me! Make haste to help me, O Lord, my salvation! Do whatever it takes to give me Your heart…And I know that you can give me rest, so I cry out with all that I have left. Let me see redemption win, let me see the struggle end that you can mend a heart that’s frail and torn.I want to know a song can rise from the ashes of a broken life…Don’t stop the madness. Don’t stop the chaos. Don’t stop the pain surrounding me. Don’t be afraid, Lord, to break my heart, just bring me down to my knees…So it’s alright if you can’t stop the tears that you cry, ‘Cause someday we’ll touch the face of our God and the sorrow will disappear…But as we run our hands along these scars, may they tell us who we are. We are the redeemed…Hallelujah! We are free to struggle. We’re not struggling to be free. Your blood bought and makes us children. Children, drop your chains and sing…

Sovereign

"But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, My glory, and the One who lifts my head." - Psalm 3:3

God is sovereign... in every circumstance. I've been reading in the book "Respectable Sins", and was really impacted by the reminder that God has a plan for every circumstance we encounter. I read Psalm 2 and 3 today and noticed a thought pattern in chapter 2 that has been my thought pattern too. It seems like the people being written about in that chapter are planning something; they're getting riled up and worried. They're trying to take control of a situation, but God is looking down on them, shaking His head at their ignorance.

I have that same thought pattern. I've encountered several tremendously difficult situations lately and I have been in a panic. I've been grasping at anything but God trying to fix the problem. I can only imagine God looking down, shaking His head at me. My actions and emotions do not communicate that I trust God and believe He is doing what's best for me.

Psalm 3 seemed to be a redeeming thought of sorts after chapter 2. The people first were in a state of not trusting God demonstrated in their thoughts and actions. Now, in chapter 3, they're recognizing their dependence on God. They recognize that God has a plan; He shields them and sustains them. He gives them peace. The people seem to have come to a recognition of God's sovereignty in their situation.

I'm counting this struggle as a blessing. I was talking to a friend about how I have had a spiritually interesting week and they responded by saying that it was better than dull and stagnant. I couldn't agree more. Even though this time has been (and still is) so emotionally exhausting, I am finally starting to learn. I am starting to hear from God again... and that's the best thing I could ever ask for.

Sin

"O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger, nor chasten me in Your wrath. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am pining away; heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed. . . . I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief; it has become old because of all my adversaries." - Psalm 6:1-2, 6-7

Those verses have been my song for the past week. It has been ROUGH. I've never experienced such brokenness, depression, and sadness. It's so hidden away; only two people know about it specifically. I've been faced with the issue of sin in my life. It started with a Sunday morning sermon about sin; I was bothered by the fact I couldn't think of any "sin" in my life. I started reading a book called "Respectable Sins." This book has been an eye opener. On top of that, chapel services at my school have been addressing this idea too, challenging me to strengthen my relationship with God by saturating myself in the Word.

The chapter I read today in the book "Respectable Sins" talked about the sins of anxiety, worry, and frustration. I started out reading Psalm 1. One of the phrases says "Blessed is the man . . . who does not stand in the path of sinners." Based on my reading of this book "Respectable Sins," the path of sinners is filled with ungodliness, anxiety, worry, and frustration. And, to top it off, verse 3 says this: "But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night." Saturation in Scripture.

The concept this book pointed out to me is that God is sovereignly in control of all actions, and he has a good reason for allowing EVERY single thing in my life. I need to think of God and His plan rather than resorting to any of the feelings I have been (depression, sadness, frustration, and anger). The verse this book pointed was from Psalm 139:16b: "And in your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them." Every day of my life (and everything in it!) is planned out by God. There is a purpose and plan for every circumstance I encounter in life.

Rather than sinning by getting frustrated and anxious about every situation I encounter, the godly way to deal with this is to acknowledge God's hand in the situation. The book offers this prayer as a sample: "This circumstance is part of Your plan for my life today. Help me to respond in faith and in a God-honoring way to Your providential will. And then please give me wisdom to know how to address the situation that tends to cause the frustration."

To try and start saturating myself in Scripture, I went to Malachi--the chapter headings spoke to me about what I've been dealing with. Verses that stuck out to me talked about insincere sacrifices (1:10, 13), and callousness toward God (2:17). Malachi seems to deal with a lot of insincere and ignorant people--people who think they can get away with giving less than their best to God, or who don't spend enough time with God to know what pleases Him. Well... that's me! I'm this horrendous, sinful creature who doesn't know the first thing about what pleases God. All I know is that I've got to change my heart attitude, but that I can only do that with God's help.

If you're reading this, would you pray for me? Pray that I'd be receptive to God's ordained circumstances and that I'd be able to start living with an awareness of His plan and turn to Him instead of getting frustrated.

an everlasting covenant

Today I've been struggling with a lot of fear. I've been drifting away from God every day. I feel lost. I want to get back to where I used to be in my relationship with God. I feel so spiritually dead. Tonight, I was talking to a friend about God's commitment to His children. I asked them if God would ever push His children away, or not call them back to Him after they went away. Honestly, I'm questioning God's faithfulness. A couple of weeks ago, I checked out a stack of books from the library. One of the books is titled "50 Reasons Why Jesus Came To Die" by: John Piper. I looked at reason #14: To bring us to faith and keep us faithful. Piper talks about the terms of God's covenant made with the blood of His Son, Jesus. He quotes a verse from Jeremiah where God says, "... this is the covenant that I will make... I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts....for I will forgive their iniequity, and I will remember their sin no more" (Jeremiah 31:31-34). Piper says that the covenant is sure and certain because it is bought with the blood of Jesus Christ. God secures our faithfulness. In Jeremiah 32:40, God says, "I will make an everlasting covenant with them that I will not turn away from them, to do them good; and I will put the fear of Me in their hearts so that they will not turn away from Me." God givesme a new heart and a new security with Christ. He won't let me turn from Him. He'll keep me as His child. His covenant is guaranteed... it is bought with the precious, priceless blood of His Son, Jesus. Here's a final thought I found in Isaiah 59:21. "As for Me, this is My covenant with them," says the Lord: "My Spirit which is upon you, and My words which I have put in your mouth shall not depart from your mouth, nor from the mouth of your offspring, nor from the mouth of your offspring's offspring," says the Lord, "from now and forever."

I just think it's so amazing how God saved me, made me His child, and promises to keep me forever. I'm listening to this song right now... and it speaks my praise to God. It's called "Here in Your Presence":

"Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonder
Kings and their kingdoms are standing amazed.
Here in Your presence we are undone.
Here in Your presence heaven and earth become one.
Here in Your presence all things are new.
Here in Your presence everything bows before You.

Wonderful, glorious, matchless in every way.
Wonderful, glorious, matchless in every way.
Wonderful, glorious, matchless in every way."

a new take...

Recently, I started reading the Beatitudes in Matthew 5. God opened my eyes and gave me a new understanding of those Beatitudes. I had always thought of the Beatitudes as kind of "if you do this, God will give you this." They always seemed like the kind of statements that tell you to do everything you already know. I guess God gave them a new depth in my heart.

Jesus is beginning to teach on the Law. He is at the beginning of His ministry and is teaching the disciples and the crowd around them. He repeats the word "Blessed" which means "happy", "fortunate", or "blissful." He is teaching the people that, despite what the world says about finding happiness, TRUE happiness comes from being in a relationship with God and being faithful to Him. Jesus is describing what a person with true faith looks like.

In verse 3, Jesus says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." I think I finally understood that this verse is talking about recognizing our nothing-ness without God. The kingdom of heaven is talking about salvation. We CAN'T have salvation without God. Only He draws us to Him, and He is the one who saves us. Verse 4 talks about our sorrow over our sin. It says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." God's forgiveness can comfort His children because they do not have to live in that condemnation; they can be forgiven.
In verse 5 it says, "Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth." I think the gentleness talked about in this verse is self-control. Those who are gentle are not pushovers, but they are filled with God's love for others and are in control of their feelings and emotions. In verse 6 it is talking about those who want to be righteous because they want to please God. It says, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied." In verse 7, it describes the merciful person. "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy." Those who are merciful will receive mercy. In verse 8, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." Those who hae pure motives in their heart will see God in heaven. In verse 9, Jesus speaks about those who are peacemakers. "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God." Those who keep peace will be God's children. Verses 10 and 11 finish the set of Beatitudes, and I felt they were easier to understand than the others. "Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsley say all kinds of evil against you because of Me."

God convicted me about not putting Him first and not seeking righteousness like a faithful child of God should. God has rewards for those who do what His word says; that is encouraging to me. God clearly lays out an example to follow: recognize your nothing-ness without God, be sorrowful over your sin, have self-control, seek righteousness, be merciful, make sure your motives are pure, keep peace, and do not run from persecution. It's easy to let my selfish desires get in the way of becoming the child God wants me to be; but, I have to remember 2 Corinthians 5:17. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come."

I don't have to feel condemned. I can respond in a godly way to my struggles and keep God at the forefront even now.