Sovereign

"But You, O Lord, are a shield about me, My glory, and the One who lifts my head." - Psalm 3:3

God is sovereign... in every circumstance. I've been reading in the book "Respectable Sins", and was really impacted by the reminder that God has a plan for every circumstance we encounter. I read Psalm 2 and 3 today and noticed a thought pattern in chapter 2 that has been my thought pattern too. It seems like the people being written about in that chapter are planning something; they're getting riled up and worried. They're trying to take control of a situation, but God is looking down on them, shaking His head at their ignorance.

I have that same thought pattern. I've encountered several tremendously difficult situations lately and I have been in a panic. I've been grasping at anything but God trying to fix the problem. I can only imagine God looking down, shaking His head at me. My actions and emotions do not communicate that I trust God and believe He is doing what's best for me.

Psalm 3 seemed to be a redeeming thought of sorts after chapter 2. The people first were in a state of not trusting God demonstrated in their thoughts and actions. Now, in chapter 3, they're recognizing their dependence on God. They recognize that God has a plan; He shields them and sustains them. He gives them peace. The people seem to have come to a recognition of God's sovereignty in their situation.

I'm counting this struggle as a blessing. I was talking to a friend about how I have had a spiritually interesting week and they responded by saying that it was better than dull and stagnant. I couldn't agree more. Even though this time has been (and still is) so emotionally exhausting, I am finally starting to learn. I am starting to hear from God again... and that's the best thing I could ever ask for.

Sin

"O Lord, do not rebuke me in Your anger, nor chasten me in Your wrath. Be gracious to me, O Lord, for I am pining away; heal me, O LORD, for my bones are dismayed. . . . I am weary with my sighing; every night I make my bed swim, I dissolve my couch with my tears. My eye has wasted away with grief; it has become old because of all my adversaries." - Psalm 6:1-2, 6-7

Those verses have been my song for the past week. It has been ROUGH. I've never experienced such brokenness, depression, and sadness. It's so hidden away; only two people know about it specifically. I've been faced with the issue of sin in my life. It started with a Sunday morning sermon about sin; I was bothered by the fact I couldn't think of any "sin" in my life. I started reading a book called "Respectable Sins." This book has been an eye opener. On top of that, chapel services at my school have been addressing this idea too, challenging me to strengthen my relationship with God by saturating myself in the Word.

The chapter I read today in the book "Respectable Sins" talked about the sins of anxiety, worry, and frustration. I started out reading Psalm 1. One of the phrases says "Blessed is the man . . . who does not stand in the path of sinners." Based on my reading of this book "Respectable Sins," the path of sinners is filled with ungodliness, anxiety, worry, and frustration. And, to top it off, verse 3 says this: "But his delight is in the law of the Lord, and in His law he meditates day and night." Saturation in Scripture.

The concept this book pointed out to me is that God is sovereignly in control of all actions, and he has a good reason for allowing EVERY single thing in my life. I need to think of God and His plan rather than resorting to any of the feelings I have been (depression, sadness, frustration, and anger). The verse this book pointed was from Psalm 139:16b: "And in your book were all written the days that were ordained for me, when as yet there was not one of them." Every day of my life (and everything in it!) is planned out by God. There is a purpose and plan for every circumstance I encounter in life.

Rather than sinning by getting frustrated and anxious about every situation I encounter, the godly way to deal with this is to acknowledge God's hand in the situation. The book offers this prayer as a sample: "This circumstance is part of Your plan for my life today. Help me to respond in faith and in a God-honoring way to Your providential will. And then please give me wisdom to know how to address the situation that tends to cause the frustration."

To try and start saturating myself in Scripture, I went to Malachi--the chapter headings spoke to me about what I've been dealing with. Verses that stuck out to me talked about insincere sacrifices (1:10, 13), and callousness toward God (2:17). Malachi seems to deal with a lot of insincere and ignorant people--people who think they can get away with giving less than their best to God, or who don't spend enough time with God to know what pleases Him. Well... that's me! I'm this horrendous, sinful creature who doesn't know the first thing about what pleases God. All I know is that I've got to change my heart attitude, but that I can only do that with God's help.

If you're reading this, would you pray for me? Pray that I'd be receptive to God's ordained circumstances and that I'd be able to start living with an awareness of His plan and turn to Him instead of getting frustrated.

an everlasting covenant

Today I've been struggling with a lot of fear. I've been drifting away from God every day. I feel lost. I want to get back to where I used to be in my relationship with God. I feel so spiritually dead. Tonight, I was talking to a friend about God's commitment to His children. I asked them if God would ever push His children away, or not call them back to Him after they went away. Honestly, I'm questioning God's faithfulness. A couple of weeks ago, I checked out a stack of books from the library. One of the books is titled "50 Reasons Why Jesus Came To Die" by: John Piper. I looked at reason #14: To bring us to faith and keep us faithful. Piper talks about the terms of God's covenant made with the blood of His Son, Jesus. He quotes a verse from Jeremiah where God says, "... this is the covenant that I will make... I will put my law within them, and I will write it on their hearts....for I will forgive their iniequity, and I will remember their sin no more" (Jeremiah 31:31-34). Piper says that the covenant is sure and certain because it is bought with the blood of Jesus Christ. God secures our faithfulness. In Jeremiah 32:40, God says, "I will make an everlasting covenant with them that I will not turn away from them, to do them good; and I will put the fear of Me in their hearts so that they will not turn away from Me." God givesme a new heart and a new security with Christ. He won't let me turn from Him. He'll keep me as His child. His covenant is guaranteed... it is bought with the precious, priceless blood of His Son, Jesus. Here's a final thought I found in Isaiah 59:21. "As for Me, this is My covenant with them," says the Lord: "My Spirit which is upon you, and My words which I have put in your mouth shall not depart from your mouth, nor from the mouth of your offspring, nor from the mouth of your offspring's offspring," says the Lord, "from now and forever."

I just think it's so amazing how God saved me, made me His child, and promises to keep me forever. I'm listening to this song right now... and it speaks my praise to God. It's called "Here in Your Presence":

"Heaven is trembling in awe of Your wonder
Kings and their kingdoms are standing amazed.
Here in Your presence we are undone.
Here in Your presence heaven and earth become one.
Here in Your presence all things are new.
Here in Your presence everything bows before You.

Wonderful, glorious, matchless in every way.
Wonderful, glorious, matchless in every way.
Wonderful, glorious, matchless in every way."

a new take...

Recently, I started reading the Beatitudes in Matthew 5. God opened my eyes and gave me a new understanding of those Beatitudes. I had always thought of the Beatitudes as kind of "if you do this, God will give you this." They always seemed like the kind of statements that tell you to do everything you already know. I guess God gave them a new depth in my heart.

Jesus is beginning to teach on the Law. He is at the beginning of His ministry and is teaching the disciples and the crowd around them. He repeats the word "Blessed" which means "happy", "fortunate", or "blissful." He is teaching the people that, despite what the world says about finding happiness, TRUE happiness comes from being in a relationship with God and being faithful to Him. Jesus is describing what a person with true faith looks like.

In verse 3, Jesus says, "Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven." I think I finally understood that this verse is talking about recognizing our nothing-ness without God. The kingdom of heaven is talking about salvation. We CAN'T have salvation without God. Only He draws us to Him, and He is the one who saves us. Verse 4 talks about our sorrow over our sin. It says, "Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted." God's forgiveness can comfort His children because they do not have to live in that condemnation; they can be forgiven.
In verse 5 it says, "Blessed are the gentle, for they shall inherit the earth." I think the gentleness talked about in this verse is self-control. Those who are gentle are not pushovers, but they are filled with God's love for others and are in control of their feelings and emotions. In verse 6 it is talking about those who want to be righteous because they want to please God. It says, "Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied." In verse 7, it describes the merciful person. "Blessed are the merciful, for they shall receive mercy." Those who are merciful will receive mercy. In verse 8, "Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God." Those who hae pure motives in their heart will see God in heaven. In verse 9, Jesus speaks about those who are peacemakers. "Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God." Those who keep peace will be God's children. Verses 10 and 11 finish the set of Beatitudes, and I felt they were easier to understand than the others. "Blessed are those who have been persecuted for the sake of righteousness, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven. Blessed are you when people insult you and persecute you, and falsley say all kinds of evil against you because of Me."

God convicted me about not putting Him first and not seeking righteousness like a faithful child of God should. God has rewards for those who do what His word says; that is encouraging to me. God clearly lays out an example to follow: recognize your nothing-ness without God, be sorrowful over your sin, have self-control, seek righteousness, be merciful, make sure your motives are pure, keep peace, and do not run from persecution. It's easy to let my selfish desires get in the way of becoming the child God wants me to be; but, I have to remember 2 Corinthians 5:17. "Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creature; the old things have passed away; behold, new things have come."

I don't have to feel condemned. I can respond in a godly way to my struggles and keep God at the forefront even now.

What time is it? Summertime!

Adjustment. It's crazy to spend half of your year in one place, and the other half in another. The weather suddenly changed from chilly spring, to warm, humid, summer. I am home, back in situations I escaped during the school year. I have this anxiousness and sadness about these life situations.  I am feeling a bit lost amongst the sudden slow-down in life. Perhaps God is pushing me, drawing me closer to Him. I know some people have been praying that for me. I searched for Bible verses for encouragement for those who are feeling "lost" and here's what I found. "Therefore we do not lose heart, but though our outer man is decaying, yet our inner man is being renewed day by day." - 2 Corinthians 4:16. All I can do is hold tight to this truth. Whatever God is doing is to help me grow and be renewed as His child.

sinking in deep...

I feel like I'm sinking. I'm losing all direction. Easter is coming soon. I feel like I have no right whatsoever to feel the way I am feeling right now. Jesus came to earth, suffered, died, and rose again... FOR ME. And yet I have the gall to feel sorry for myself because of difficult situations I'm dealing with. I feel rejected and shut out--though some of it is probably my fault--by much of the people I know. Being at school has provided an escape for me. I feel like an outcast in my own church. I feel like I'm losing touch with everyone and for some reason it feels great to vent to empty space that can be viewed by anyone. ;) I read Psalm 27 last night and it was a Psalm I'm not familiar with. Here's what I shared with people: "LORD, hear my voice. Be kind and answer me. My heart told me to come to you, LORD, so I am coming to ask for your help. Don’t turn away from me. Don’t be angry with your servant. You are the only one who can help me. My God, don’t leave me all alone. You are my Savior. Even if my mother and father leave me, the LORD will take me in. I have enemies, LORD, so teach me your ways. Show me the right... way to live. My enemies have attacked me. They have told lies about me and have tried to hurt me. But I really believe that I will see the LORD’S goodness before I die. Wait for the LORD’S help. Be strong and brave, and wait for the LORD’S help." - Psalm 27:7-14 (ERV). When I read this Psalm, I felt like it was the cry of my heart. I took heart in the last verse... to be strong and brave and WAIT for the Lord. So I slept peacefully with that truth in my heart. Then today has been one big rollercoaster. And my night was topped off when I saw this Tweet by Todd Agnew: "There is great wisdom in being able to let go of something that is good, but not best." Now... I don't believe in coincidence, but the sovereign will of God... but I do think I am easily swayed by things I see. I don't know when to take something as a message from God to do something or when to take something as a test from God and wait to get through it.

I am listening to a song right now (All Creatures of Our God and King, sung by Bethany Dillon and Shawn McDonald) and I feel like it is the perfect soundtrack to my life, particularly because I sang it a couple of years ago with some friends. I still have a recording of that song and it brings such joy to my heart... and sorrow. That video seems to be the mark of a time when we were almost friends and when we almost got along. We worked together and created something beautiful. That's where the joy comes from. The sorrow comes from the fact that it has never been, and I fear it never will be, that way again. There's so much hurt, baggage, and uncertainty resting on those relationships right now and I feel so broken underneath the weight.

I read Karen Kingsbury and identify with the hurt and suffering the characters are enduring, but there's always a happy ending. There's always a specific divine message that's clear and the characters understand and know what it is. I wish I had that. I feel so lost in this cloud.

I guess all I can do is ask the Lord to hear my voice and answer my cry. I pray that I can make it to Easter with a joy in my heart because of what He did, even if I am filled with sorrow.

Joy

Dear Silent Friend,

It's only 3 1/2 weeks into the semester, but it feels like months. In that time God has done some crazy things. I lost my roommate, and have been experiencing some tough confrontations from God about some things in my life. Having my roommate move out is not tragic or terrible, but all of a sudden I feel like I have no connections to people anymore. The people who seem to care about me most are the people I work for and my teachers. I have lost a lot of motivation to practice my instruments, walk to the cafeteria to eat, and do anything productive. I feel like some decisions I have made have cut the joy out of my life. I have a weight pressing down on my heart and can't seem to get it to go away.

That said, I've been hearing a lot of things from God lately, but acting on them has been tough. Maybe this "weight" is God's reminder that I haven't done what He's shown me. I am always afraid that I'll do something, thinking it was God, and then turn out to be wrong. I've waited and prayed... and I feel like I have gotten the same answers and guidance from Him, I am just afraid to act.

Joy is my middle name, but it's missing from my life right now. I want my joy back...

Love,

Korrin