This post will be very similar to a previous post. The text for that post was none of my words. It was words from songs and Scripture that spoke what was in my heart. I'm back to that point again. Only this time it seems worse. This time I am mad at God. I am bitter. I resent Him. And yet I can't turn from Him because I know in my heart that He is the Way, the Truth, and the Life. And so I feel trapped. I feel trapped and forced into a relationship with this God who I've been told loves us and does only good and what's best for us... I feel like God is playing this big trick on me because I feel like everything I enjoy in this life and everything that I thought gave me purpose is going to be ripped away. I don't trust Him. And it makes me so upset. Because I want to. I know I did at one point in my life. I think I did four days ago even. I was so blindsided by this change in my thinking. I don't know how to handle it. I feel like I'm being attacked and I feel like I have no weapons to fight with. I feel helpless. I feel kind of hopeless. I'm struggling finding joy in life. I feel heartbroken because I can't believe the things I'm thinking about a God I once claimed so strongly and did everything I could to defend and understand.
In my head I know that God can handle these doubts. He's not intimidated by my questioning and by my frustration. Yet I feel like if I don't figure this out soon in my head He will abandon me. I feel like He will think I don't really want this. I feel like He will throw in the towel on me. I know the words to all the songs and I know the main points in the Scriptures that combat all these thoughts, but I'm realizing I don't believe them in my heart. I know them and can spout them off to anyone. I can prove that I'm a Christian by my head knowledge, but when it comes to actually connecting with God, feeling joy just being in His presence, and looking forward to an eternity in heaven with Him... I am nowhere near there.
I feel like I can't solve the problem on my own because I can't even read the Bible. I'm so frustrated when I do because I am feeling so negatively toward God. We have revival services at school this week. I told God that I was coming to revival expecting something. I told Him that I expected teaching that would make my thoughts do a 180. I told Him I expected to get it today. I told Him I expected to get it now. The speaker did give me some thoughts that seemed to fit right in with where I am at; however, my thoughts haven't turned around yet. I am going back to revival services tomorrow and Thursday expecting big things from God. I'm expecting Him to show me plain as day how to change my thinking or to do it Himself by zapping me!
I beg you for your prayers. I need people fighting for me. I don't want this in my life. But I feel helpless to rid myself of it. Please pray without fear. Pray with confidence. Pray for deliverance. Pray for a 180 in my thoughts. Pray for a new understanding of God and a new devotion and commitment to Him. Pray for change. And pray for it now.
